Teenage Dirtbag
by HalloweenJack
Summary: Xander wants to be cool. He needs to find his Fonzie. Enter Spike. Totally AU. No vamps or demons whatsoever. Everyone's 100% human. Well..maybe not Cordy.
1. Finding Fonzie can be like Finding Jesus

I don't own crap. Joss owns everything, but one day I'll show him. I'll show him GOOD!

And oh yeah, if anything I try to be a fair writer. There will be no bashing of any kind here and there may be some relationships that have potential for weirdness. BE WARNED!

    It's funny how much a guy can strive to be cool. I mean seriously, it's a side-splitter. Me, I'm just one of those guys, which probably explains why I'm watching the little birdies fly around my head at this point. 

    "Oh my God! Xander, are you okay?

    "Oh I'm good. I'll just lay here until practice is over. Rest a little bit. Or at least just until the concussion goes away." 

    "How many fingers am I holding up?" Riley asks, holding up two fingers. 

    "Seven…Eight hundred." Xander replies.

    Riley laughs, "You're good I think. Need a hand?"

    "Sure. Ow. Do they always hit that hard?" Xander asks as Riley pulls him up. 

    "Well, Adam does anyway." Riley says, looking around the field, "Maybe football wasn't such a good idea Xander."

    "Oh come on, you're big, strong, and good looking in a dopey kind of way. You'll do fine kid." Xander says, slapping Riley's shoulder. 

    "You know what I meant." Riley sighs. 

    "Yeah unfortunately I do know what you mean. I'm not exactly as big as most of the guys. Or as naturally athletic." 

    "You forgot that most of the team wants to kick your ass."

    "There is that." Xander said, "But hey, I saw Rudy. It's not the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog."

    "Really comforting. I'll tell that to the Taco Bell Chihuahua the next time it gets into a fight with a Pit Bull." Riley replies, "I think you better sit this one out man."

    "And my ruptured pancreas is agreeing. Take off." Xander said, waving Riley off. 

    "Okay man, watch yourself. You might want to put ice on…your body." Riley says with a grimace before running off. 

    "You got it chief. I'll just be over here working on my game face and drinking Gatorade."

    Xander groaned and walked, well limped, to the Gatorade table and immediately regretted it because football tryouts coincided with cheerleader tryouts and dear God, he didn't need this. 

    "Nice play loser!"

    But he got it anyway. 

    "Gee, thanks Cordy. Nice cheers too by the way. What you lack in creativity, you more than make up for in hooker wear." Xander managed to groan out. 

    Cordelia Chase; the name alone is enough to inspire fear in the hearts of most people at Sunnydale High. Imagine the shark from Jaws. Imagine a merciless killing machine that once if smells blood in the water, it goes into frenzy and never lets up in intensity until its victim is dead. Now imagine that Jaws also likes to humiliate people before going for the kill and has nice legs. Yeah, that's Cordelia Chase. And while she looks good on the outside, Xander knows that inside she's some sort of black hearted she-demon that has no regard for the lives of others. She lives only to feed on the misery of others. Yes, a completely callous and evil thing. Quite possibly a mummy.

    "WhatEVER." Cordelia replies, smirking at Xander, "You're just pissed that Adam Walsh ran you over like a steamroller."

    "Actually, I'm more injured than pissed. Besides, it's practice. If he didn't steamroll over me he'd be steamrolling over Forrest and you'd be heckling him." Xander replies, sipping his Styrofoam cup of Gatorade. 

    "Not really, because Forrest isn't a loser like you." Harmony Kendall burst in laughing.

    "Cordy, IT's talking again." Xander replied. 

   "Harmony, I can handle this." Cordy said, with a dismissal gesture towards her "best friend", "And not really because Forrest isn't a loser like you."

    "And she has wit, ladies and gentlemen." Xander smirks.

    Cordelia smiled, "Whatever Xander. You want to stand around and make your little snide remarks, then fine. Hey if you make the team even, which you won't, fine. You're still going to be a pathetic loser. It's your place in life. You might as well get used to it."

    "First of all, I came to get Gatorade. You started on me. And secondly, I'm going to make the team. Do you want to know why? Because I have something you don't have: heart. And courage. And brains and really whatever else the Wizard was handing out that day. And you know what? I may be a loser, but at least I wasn't runner up for Sunnydale's biggest ditz award." Xander replied with conviction. 

    "Runner up?" Cordelia asked, arching an eyebrow.

    "Well, it's hard to beat out Harmony." Xander smirked before walking off. 

    "Hey!" Harmony yelled.

    Xander mentally pat himself on the back and went to the bench and sat down. He slightly grimaced as he limped over. He wasn't grimacing because of the pain, but rather because he was the only person on the bench. 

    "Well, it's practice. They're all out on the field. Yeah, that's it. I'm injured. Of course I'm going to be the only one here. Yeah, that's the ticket." He thought as he sat down. 

    "Hey." A somewhat quiet voice said after a few minutes. Xander turned and smiled. 

    "No time for an autograph today little lady. I really don't have the time. Also my wrist is probably broken." Xander smirked.

    "Oh God! Really?" the newcomer asked, concerned.

    "Willow, chill. That was a joke." Xander replied, "You'd think you'd get those by now."   

    "Well you could have been serious. Adam Walsh ran you over like a freight train." Willow said.

    "What is it with Adam being considered a piece of heavy equipment of some kind?" Xander mused. 

    "Seriously, Xander are you okay?" Willow asked, concerned.

    "For the most part, yeah." Xander lied, "So why are you here? I figured you'd be home studying your little tail off missy."

    "Xan-Der! That's not all I do." Willow replied, smiling to her best friend.

    She was greeted by an incredulous look. 

    "Okay fine, I'm meeting someone to study with." Willow rolled her eyes.

    "Buffy needing help with Trig again?" Xander asked.

    "No, actually I'm meeting this new girl, Tara. She just moved here and we're in History together." Willow explained, "She really doesn't know the way around here yet so I told her we'd meet here at the field."

    "Admit it; you just wanted to see me show these jokers how to play football." Xander smirked.   

    "Okay yes, Xander. I wanted to see you teach those guys a thing or two about a thing or two." Willow sighed.

    "Also, you wanted to see me sweaty and manly." Xander smirked again.

    "Yes Xander, you're so studly." Willow rolled her eyes. 

    "At least you have taste." Xander said proudly. 

    "HARRIS! GET BACK IN HERE!"

    "Uh, gotta run Wills. I'll see you later okay?" Xander said before quickly getting up and limping back to the field. 

    Willow frowned when she saw him run off. That was so Xander. It was like she wasn't even there. Maybe she was overreacting. He WAS trying out for the team and all. Still, she couldn't shake the feeling that he completely disregarded her. She looked over at Cordelia and the other cheerleaders. It was common knowledge that Xander didn't like them very much, but she would still catch he and Jesse checking them out in the halls as they passed by. Willow looked down at her fuzzy pink sweater and her modest skirt all topped off by her tennis shoes. She hazarded a glance up at the cheerleaders again and sighed. 

    "Why don't I look like that?" Willow asked herself.

    "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT FREAK?" 

    Willow's heart started to race when she saw that Harmony Kendall had spotted her. Willow quickly stood up and started to walk away. Harmony took every opportunity to make her life hell, ever since first grade. 

    "AH! SHE'S RUNNING!" Willow heard Cordelia's voice chime in. 

    "COME ON BACK WILLOW! TRY OUT FOR THE TEAM!" Harmony shouted, mockingly. 

    "YEAH! IF YOU DON'T MAKE IT, AT LEAST YOU COULD BE A PRACTICE DUMMY FOR THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS!" Cordelia cackled. 

    Willow quickly moved out of sight, behind the concrete Sunnydale Razorbacks locker room. She didn't dare look back because they might see her and come after her. Like they did every other day of her life. What did she do to deserve that? She looked down at her clothes and at herself in general. 

    "Oh." She said to herself. She dropped her books and then choked out a few tears. Turning her face to the wall, she cried into her arm. It was just like every other day. She was ignored by the right people and harassed by the wrong. It was like that everyday. Sometimes she wondered why she even bothered. Sometimes she wished she could just draw a hot bath, get in and proceed to slit her…

    "Willow?" a voice snapped her out of her tears. Quickly, she wiped her eyes with her sleeve and turned around. 

    Standing in front of her was a slightly taller girl with dirty blonde hair and the biggest eyes. She wore a green peasant blouse in addition to a long skirt. She had a few books in her hand. 

    "A-Are you okay?" the girl asked, with a slight stutter. 

    "Oh, yeah Tara. I'm fine." Willow sniffed

    "Wer-Were you crying?" Tara asked, visibly trying to control her stuttering. 

    "Yeah….a bee stung me. I'm a little allergic." Willow lied. 

    "Are.. you..okay?" Tara asked slowly and clearly. 

    "I'll be fine."

    "GIRLFIGHT!!!!!" a voice from the field called. A few cat calls trailed behind it. Willow and Tara both peaked their heads around the corner. 

    "Uh oh. Not again." Willow sighed. 

    "YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY?! HUH?!! ANSWER ME! WAS THAT FUNNY?!!" Buffy Summers growled as she slammed Harmony's head into the ground repeatedly. 

    "Miss Summers." Principal Snyder said, sitting in his chair with his hands folded just so, "Would you like to tell me your version of what happened out on the field today?"

    In front of Snyder's desk sat Buffy in one chair, and Harmony in the other. Harmony had quite the shiner on her eye as Buffy was relatively unscathed. Buffy sighed and looked Snyder in the eye. She tried to remain calm.

    "We were having tryouts for the cheerleading squad. A friend of mine came up and was watching when Harmony and Cordelia started making fun of her and made her run off." Buffy started. 

    "THAT IS SUCH A LIE!" Harmony yelled out. 

    "Be quiet Miss Kendall. You'll get your turn." Snyder said, shooting his gaze to Harmony, "Who was this friend of yours?"

    "Willow Rosenberg." Buffy quickly replied.

    "I see. Now when Willow ran off, what happened?" Snyder asked, fixing his gaze back to Buffy. 

    "I went up and told Harmony and Cordelia to leave Willow alone. Then they started to mouth off to me. I EXPLAINED to them that it's not nice to make fun of someone when Harmony here called me a "Psycho Bitch". So I took up for myself." Buffy continued. 

    "You are SO lying!" Harmony exclaimed before Snyder looked at her again. Her voice dropped a few decibels, "I called her a Psycho Ho."

    "I see. Miss Kendall go out into the office. I'm obviously not going to get any work done here with you two verbally sparring." Principal Snyder ordered. 

    "I'm not sparring." Buffy stated.

    "Miss Summers, simmer down. Miss. Kendall, out." Snyder ordered with the tone of voice that said he meant business.

    Harmony quickly shuffled out as Principal Snyder looked right towards Buffy with a menacing scowl. 

    "Why do I find your story so hard to believe?" Snyder asked.

    "You're an impotent little Nazi?" Buffy replied mentally before voicing, "I'm not sure why exactly."

    "Because Miss Summers, I'm taking the word of a student with no major offenses, in addition to several eyewitnesses who stated that you were the one who started the fight and putting it against the word of a juvenile delinquent with a very thick volumed history of violent behavior. Now, who would you believe? The girl who's gravest offense is cutting classes or the one who burned down a high school gymnasium?" Principal Snyder asked, as he walked around his desk and sat on the edge.

    Buffy looked at him in absolute rage and quietly and calmly issued her response.

    "I'm. Better. Now." 

    "Perhaps, but you still have a history of violent behavior here at Sunnydale High. You're quite frankly skating on very thin ice. If Willow Rosenberg were here to lend her side of the story then it MIGHT hold more weight, but as it stands it looks to me like you're a little threatened by the fact that you might not make Varsity." Snyder spewed at her.

    "I don't care if I make it or not. I was just out there trying to have a little fun when a friend of mine is harassed by a couple of airheads." Buffy stated, looking Snyder defiantly in the eye. 

    "I'm willing to let this slide seeing as how it's after school hours and no one was seriously hurt. I won't even call your mother seeing as how I don't want my time wasted with your shenanigans. But if you EVER so much as arrive to your classes tardy while you're on MY time, you will be expelled so quickly your head will swim. Am I understood?" 

    "Completely." Buffy replied.

    She stormed out the school doors minutes later, angry at herself for getting yet ANOTHER mark against her since she moved to this stupid town. Cursing under her breath she walked to one of the benches in front of the school and sat down throwing down her bookbag.

    "Who the hell uses a word like shenanigans now anyways?! God, I hate him. What is it with every man in my life? I swear either they're either leaving or saying things like "Oh dear, the consequences will be dire!" Hip hip! Cheerio!" Buffy growled. 

    "Well yeah there is that, but we're not all bad." Xander said sitting down beside her. 

    "You didn't let me finish. I was going to say I hate all men and they should burn in the mouth of Hell, except for that good, clean-living Xander Harris." Buffy sighed before looking at her friend.

    "Thanks. Glad to know I'll be the father of the new human race. How bad was it?" Xander asked. 

    "Almost expelled. I think he was wanting be somewhere else though and didn't want to waste time. He might have had a date." Buffy said in disgust.

    "Well that's a disgusting thought." Xander said holding his nose.

    "Not half as bad as his cologne."

    "So I wanted to come up and say thanks. I really appreciate what you did for Willow today. I saw them yell at her, but I got called back in to play." Xander said.

    "It's okay. Willow didn't deserve that. Still, I wish she had been here to help me out, but I know she doesn't like to face those bitches." Buffy replied and looked Xander over, "So it looks like you're getting the hang of this football thing."

    Xander smiled, "Yeah. I'm doing okay. Got a few injuries but I'll tough it out and score four touchdowns in a single game. Still, my hand is bothering me a lot."

    "Did you hurt it during practice?" Buffy asked in concern.

    "No, just when that pesky wall ran into it when the Coach told me not to waste his time." Xander said, saddened.

    "Oh God, Xander I'm sorry." Buffy said genuinely feeling sadness for her friend. She knew how much trying to actually make the team meant to him. It was all he had talked about during the summer and now here he was, basically told to take a hike before official cuts had even began.

    "It's okay. I'll be fine." Xander said, grinning slightly. Buffy knew he was doing that to mask his pain though. 

    "Well, maybe we'll go to the Bronze tonight and we'll hang out later? Have some chocolate or something?" Buffy offered.

    "Maybe. Otherwise I'm thinking of going home, wallowing in self-pity and listening to the music of pain."

    "Country?" Buffy asked with a concerned look on her face.

    "Oh yeah." Xander adds.

    "So football?" Tara asked, cocking her head quizzically.

    "Football." Willow replied, clicking her pencil against her open U.S. History Book.

    "Well, that would be nice. Having your best f-friend on the football team and all." Tara smiled.

    Willow smiled back before sighing, "You obviously don't know Xander then."

    "Huh?" Tara asked, not quite grasping what Willow was saying.

    "Xander is…well we love Xander. It's just that he always has these weird schemes like on I Love Lucy. You follow me?"

    "Yeah?"

    "And like on I Love Lucy, they horribly backfire."

    "Oh. Well, he might have made the team." Tara nodded, hoping for the best.

    "Well, again you don't know Xander. If he had spent the summer actually practicing, then yeah he probably could have made the team." Willow replied.

    "He didn't practice?" Tara asked, a little dumbfounded by that fact.

    "Nope. He was pretty much planning where his parking place would be at school when he became the star quarterback. I'm not kidding; we spent a whole Saturday in July picking out the best locations."

    At that both she and Tara laughed a little. Tara then smiled and patted Willow on the shoulder.

    "He sounds like a funny guy." Tara smiled.

    "Yeah. You'd like him. I like him. I like him a little too much." Willow sighed.

    Again Tara said, "Huh?"

    "Sorry. That slipped out." Willow said, frowning and looking at Tara then looking down.

    "Oh Goddess! You have a crush on him!" Tara laughed.

    "Well, not so much a crush as…yeah a crush." Willow sighed.

    "Does he know?" Tara asked.

    "Probably not. He never notices anything about me." Willow sighed again.

    "Hmmm…know what we sh-should do?" Tara asked with a suddenly very sly look.

    "What?"

    "Tomorrow, I think we should get together and do a love spell."

    Willow raised an eyebrow. Suddenly her day got a lot weirder.

    Somewhere in between Midnight in Montgomery and Feed Jake, Xander managed to grip the phone beside his bed and call up the one guy in Sunnydale that had to be even more pathetic than he himself was.

    "Yo Jesse man? What's up?" Xander asked.

    On the other end, Xander could hear Jesse audibly chewing.

    "Twinkie." Jesse replied mouth half full.

    "Ah. So football was a bust." Xander said.

    "Didn't make the team huh?"

    "If the coach had been anymore blunt he'd have pulled out a shotgun and told me to get off his property."

    "I'm glad you didn't talk me into doing that with you." Jesse said swallowing.

    "Oh come on. It couldn't have been any worse than the time that we tried to soup that motorcycle up."

    "You're right there. That was the biggest mistake of your lives."

    "Come on. Your leg healed." Xander sighed, "So I got to thinking, football isn't a good idea."

    "Wow Harris, you actually had a thought."

    "Oh ye of little faith. Nah, see what good is football right? I mean you pass a pigskin back and forth and then run around a little bit. Besides, your fan base is mostly middle aged men living through their kids. What women really go for football players? Football is for rubes. Life is good and I'm not going to let some little thing like not making a team so I can play a game ruin my life."

    "Now you're talking sense."

    "Women dig badasses."

    "Oh God, kill me now."

    Xander rolled his eyes, "Would ya listen?"

    "All ears unfortunately."

    "Girls dig tough guys. They dig guys who command respect. Like the Fonz. Now if we could become like the Fonz, chicks would dig us." Xander smirked over the phone.

    "Don't you mean you?"

    "Silence. We need to go out and observe badasses in their natural setting; the bar."

    "Well okay, let's head to the Bronze then." Jesse replied.

    "Uh uh. The Bronze isn't a bar. It's a club. We've been going there since we were what? Fourteen? No no. We're going to a REAL bar; The Fish Tank." 

    "OH HELL NO! I'm not going into that place." 

    "Why not? We're both eighteen. They can't serve us but we can go in. Scope out the place." Xander said again. 

    "Dude, YOU can go. Me, I don't like getting my ass kicked."

    "Oh come on! Don't wuss out on me Jesse man!"

    "Dude, that place is rough! All the guys have like a zillion tattoos and Skanky Sheila made it with two guys on the bar at once."  
    "Dude, that's just a jump rope song!"

    "Dude, I'm not going there!"

    "Dude!"

    "Dude!"

    "Dude!"

    "DUDE!"

    "Alright. I see your point. It's probably not a good idea." Xander sighed.

    "Good. Now swear to me you won't go in there."

    "What?"

    "Swear on your life you won't go in there!"

    "That's silly Jesse."

    "DUDE!"

    "Okay, okay. Just…calm down. I swear I won't go to the Fish Tank, ya happy?"

    "On your life!"

    "I swear on my LIFE, that I will not go to the Fish Tank. There!"

    "Now see that wasn't so hard was it?"

    "No sir." Xander mocked.

    "You want to go to the Bronze then?" Jesse asked.

    "Yeah I'll swing by. I'll see you there okay?"

    "Alright dude. See you in a few."

    A few later, Xander stood outside the Fish Tank smirking. Sucker. He smiled and walked to the door looking for the bouncer so he could show his I.D. and get in. He didn't see him anywhere, though he did see a car with steamed up windows moving back and forth by the curb. He guessed even bouncers got lonely. Xander just walked up to the door and went in. 

    The place reeked of cigarette smoke and booze. He smiled as he looked around and saw big bikers, rednecks, and very loose looking women. He was in Badass Mecca. Striding in with a confident look on his face he smiled at a guy playing pool that scowled back at him and grunted. Xander quickly walked the opposite way. He got a few laughs and a few smirks as he walked through the bar. Looking down he realized it was probably for the Hawaiian shirt he wore with the very loud pants. Shrugging it off, he mingled and walked on. 

    "Hi there. Good to see ya. Hey! Beer good." Xander said, looking around. He spotted a hot brunette who gave him a wink. That girl just reeked of badness and he found his head turning to take in more of her as he walked along. He didn't even notice it when he walked into a guy. 

    "Hey. Watch where you're going, you little piss ant." The guy growled. 

    Xander quickly gulped and then slowly recognized the guy.

    "Hey! Jack O'Toole!" Xander laughed.

    "Yeah? I know you?" 

    "You used to sit next to me in English class before you got expe…dropped out." Xander replied.

    Jack looked at him for a moment and then slowly nodded in recognition.

    "Yeah, I remember you. The smartass." Jack growled.

    "Well, minus the smart part. Dumb as a rock." Xander laughed as a few of Jack's friends (well, cronies maybe) walked up behind him. A particularly big one smirked.

    "Hey. Nice shirt." The guy said.

    Xander was floored.

    "Thanks man." Xander replied.

    "Queer bar's down the street though." The guy said, making Jack and all his cronies laugh. 

    Xander laughed too nervously, "Oh you rascal you…you…whatever your name is."

    "So what are you doing in here, smartass?" Jack asked.

    "Oh, I come in here all the time." Xander lied.

    "We're here every night." 

    "Mostly in the day though." Xander replied again.

    "We're in here most of the day too." 

    "Mornings…early mornings…ah who am I kidding? This is my first time in here." Xander admitted.

    "Better watch yourself, smartass. Lots of…what do you call it?" Jack asked one of his crew, "It means bad."

    "Evil?"

    "No no, it goes with elements." Jack replied.

    "Unsavory?"

    "Lots of unsavory elements in here. A smartass might get himself hurt." Jack said turning back to Xander. 

    Xander noticed he laughed nervously a lot this evening.

    "Again, good thing I'm not that smart." Xander said.

    "You saying Jack ain't got you pegged right?" one of the cronies asked.

    "Oh no…no. It's just that I don't think that I'm a smartass is all."

    "You sayin' I'm stupid then?" Jack asked, grinning from ear to ear.

    "No, no, you're a very intelligent person. I wish I was half as intelligent as you." Xander said.

    "He's making fun of you Jack!" the big guy said.

    "Yeah he is!" another guy added.

    Jack grabbed Xander by the collar and pulled him close.

    "You makin' fun of me smartass?" Jack growled.

    "No, no! Not at all!" Xander stammered.

    "So what are you sayin' then?"

    "Oh lay off of him Jack. He's kinda cute." The hot brunette at the bar said in a husky voice.

    "Shut up Faith." Jack growled before turning his attention back to Xander.

    "He gets me all hot just lookin' at him." The brunette, Faith, replied.

    Jack's face twisted in rage.

    "Oh smartass, you really got it coming to ya now. That's my girl saying all those things. That gets me really mad." Jack growled, as he reached into his boot and produced a very long and sharp looking Bowie Knife, "And when I get really mad, Katie comes out to play."

    "You gave your knife a girl's name? How very serial killer of you." Xander winced. 

    Xander closed his eyes and prepared for the end when he suddenly felt very wet and noticed that the immediate area smelled like his dad's breath. He opened his eyes when he felt Jack let go. Faith was standing there with an empty mug and Jack was doubled over, his face ringing wet with beer

    "You better go. He's going to be really pissed in a minute." Faith smirked.

    "Oh thank you!" Xander turned to run.

    "Don't thank me. I was going to let him beat the crap out of you, until he pulled the knife out." Faith smirked before Jack growled in rage and pushed her aside with his cronies following him. 

    Xander hazarded a look back and saw Jack toss a raven hair woman out of his way as he chased him. Xander took off out on the street and looked around, passing the bouncing car. He sighed and ran for a nearby alley. 

    "God, this really makes me wish I had a car." Xander groaned as he ran, Jack and his cronies in hot pursuit. 

    Xander limped as he ran, the football injuries still lingering as he took off down the alley at top speed. As luck would have, a chain linked fence was in his path. Xander wasn't sure he could climb it fast enough to get away when he was 100% much less an injured wreck of a man. Still he grasped it and tried to climb. He did surprisingly well too. He was actually halfway over before Jack's big friend pulled him back off. 

    The big guy grabbed Xander by the throat and slammed him up against the fence, before sending a fist to Xander's stomach that knocked all the air out of him. Xander doubled over in pain and was slammed up against the fence again. Jack smirked and walked up with about four more goons behind him. He pressed Katie against Xander's neck hard enough to draw a little bit of blood. 

    "You know what?" Jack asked menacingly.

    "What?" Xander said filled with mind-numbing fear.

    "I never did like you." Jack said pressing harder, "I'm thinking…first the eyes."

    "Yeah!" the big guy laughed.

    "Then the tongue. Then I'm thinking, I'll break every last one of your fingers." Jack smirked.

    "I'm liking this plan." The big guy practically salivated.

    "Then maybe I'll shove Katie right up your smart, little, a—"

    "HEY!" a decidedly new voice shouted from the edge of the alley. 

    Two of Jack's goons turned to see who was there, then instantly looked at each other and sprang up over the fence on either side of Xander and ran down the alley on the other side. Xander's vision was cleared up and he saw someone walking down the alley. He'd seen the guy before and knew his rep. Xander didn't know whether to be relieved or crap his pants in horror. 

    A long black duster flowed back in the wind as the man walked down the alley. Even in the dark you could see the platinum blonde hair that sat atop his head. He had a look of murder on his face as he got close. Jack's remaining goon (besides the big guy) walked towards him and got laid out with a single punch. 

    "Out of my way, wanker." The guy growled.

    What was this guy's name again? Xander racked his brain to remember.

    "This ain't got nothing to do with you, Spike so back off!" Jack warned.

    "Oh I know THIS doesn't have anything to do with me. But the fact that you pushed Dru down taking off after this little whelp does. You tore her dress. I got her that dress for her birthday and now its bloody well ruined. My girl is crying so I'm taking it out of your ass." Spike hissed as he walked closer. 

    "Bob!" Jack yelled to the big guy. 

    The Big guy, Bob, smirked and walked forward and any hope of living through the night escaped Xander when Bob knocked the hell out of Spike and sent him crashing into a crate. Bob looked to Jack and laughed as he turned back to finish Spike off. Spike looked up to him. 

    "That punch hurt, mate. Not as much as this will though." Spike said as he hit Bob in the knee with a steel pipe. He then stood and cracked Bob in the stomach with the pipe making him double over. Spike smiled pleasantly and cracked him in the back with the pipe making him fall to the ground. Spike then smirked and spun the pipe in his hand raising his eyebrows in challenge to Jack.

    "Funny what you'll find lying in an alley itn't?"

    "Don't make me cut you man." Jack growled holding Katie in his hand.

    Spike laughed, "Please. Don't make me cut you? That might work on little poofters like your guy by the fence there, but me, that makes me laugh."

    So Spike laughed again and if you were close enough to Jack, you would see the sweat pouring down his temples. Spike abruptly stopped laughing and had a look of murderous rage on his face.

    "Come on Jack, let's you an' me have a go." Spike said. 

    "Alright. Time to play then." Jack said. 

    A quick instant later, Katie was knocked from Jack's hand by Spike's pipe. Jack looked on in horror as Spike smirked. Jack laughed slightly and assumed a non-threatening posture.

    "Spike…can't we talk about this?" Jack asked.

    The pipe swung and hit him in the jaw making him spit teeth. Xander could have sworn that he heard the sound of Jack's jaw breaking as the metal impacted bone. Jack fell to the ground in a heap and Spike looked at him in disgust before throwing down his pipe. Then he kicked him.

    "No." Spike growled. 

    His eyes then fell on Xander. Xander felt a wave of fear pass over him and he backed up against the fence, preparing for Spike to descend on him at any second. Spike just drilled holes in Xander with his eyes before turning and walking off. Xander watched in awe as the black duster swirled like a cape as he turned and walked down the alleyway. Xander then looked down at Jack. He slowly looked around to see if anyone was watching, and then walked over and kicked Jack just like Spike had. Xander then noticed Katie lying on the ground and went over and picked the knife up and put it in his pocket, smirking just a little bit. That smirk turned into a full on grin and he began chuckling slightly. 

    "I think I just found my Fonzie."


	2. We are the Lucky Ones

    Willow looked over to Tara and noticed the girl was visibly uncomfortable. Willow frowned slightly. Studying had gone fairly well all things considered and she figured it was only fair to show Tara the sights of the Sunnydale. The Bronze seemed like the most logical first step. Although, at present that seemed to have been an error in her usually impeccable judgment. 

    "Tara? Are you okay?" Willow asked, reaching out and touching Tara on the arm.

    Tara jumped slightly at the unexpected hand on her shoulder. She looked at Willow and gave a very insecure smile.

    "Y-Y-Yeah. I-I'm good." Tara lied right through her teeth.

    "Are you sure?" Willow asked, frowning a bit more.

    Tara nodded quickly and stared down at her feet. Yes, eyes always on her feet. Never on all the sinful people here dancing and gyrating. Just block out their devil music and their odd words. Just look right at your feet and….was that cigarette smoke? Her father would kill her for this if he found out where she was. Tara was lucky her long strands of dirty blonde hair hid her eyes; otherwise people may see them turning watery.

    "Tara, we can go if you want?" Willow said to her. 

    "I-I d-don't want to be imp-p-polite. You're showing m-me around." Tara forced out, stuttering.

    "You're not being impolite. If you're uncomfortable here we can leave." Willow said in a soft, reassuring voice.

    "I d-don't want to be an in-inconve-ve-ve—"

    "You're not. Trust me. We can go back to my house." Willow smiled, touching her shoulder again.

    Tara looked up and smiled at little at that. 

    "Okay." She replied, feeling more relaxed already.

    Willow stood up and Tara stood next to her, shaking like a leaf. This "Bronze" was like a whole new world to her. This just wasn't her kind of place. She'd rather be in her room at her new house doing a spell or reading from the book her mother left her last year before she…Tara closed her eyes and pushed the sadness back down into her soul. 

    "Are you ready?" Willow asked noting Tara's closed eyes.

    Tara quickly opened them and gave Willow a quick smile and a nod, not speaking for fear that her voice may crack from the memories. With that they prepared to press through the sea of people at the Bronze and leave the establishment.

    "Willow!" 

    But it was not to be so.

    Jesse came walking towards the two girls. He was much taller than either of them, but very thin and somewhat gawky looking. Dark black hair cropped the top of his head and a few whiskers of black were visible on his face. He wore a simple pair of blue jeans and a red t-shirt.

    "Hey Jesse, what's up?" Willow said noting her friend, "This is Tara, she just moved to Sunnydale."

    "Oh. Hi." Jesse said to Tara, who merely nodded shyly, "Uh Wills, I need a word with you."

    "Well, Tara and I were just leaving and—"

    "I think Xander's doing something stupid." Jesse cut her off.

    Willow's jaw dropped and her face registered shock for all of .0005 seconds (after all it was Xander they were talking about) before sighing exasperatedly and holding her forehead with her hand. She looked up at Jesse and then over at Tara.

    "Tara, can you give me just a minute here?" Willow asked.

    "S-Sure." Tara replied quietly.

    "Okay, you just hang out here and I'll get you in just a minute and we'll leave okay?" Willow replied.

    Tara nodded her head and looked to her feet again. Yep they were still there.

    Jesse pulled Willow aside a few feet away. Willow was still sighing loudly at the very NOTION that Xander might be doing something stupid. 

    "What is it this time?" Willow groaned, "Tell me he didn't try and ride that motorcycle again."

    "He didn't try to ride that motorcycle again." Jesse replied.

    "Thank you." Willow sighed, "What IS he doing though?"

    "Well, I'm not sure but he called earlier and told me he didn't make the football team." Jesse began.

    "He didn't make it?" Willow said suddenly heart broken for her friend, before shaking that off and getting mad again, "If he had just practiced a little. What did he say exactly Jesse?"

    "Well he started talking about how he wanted to make girls notice him by being a badass." Jesse went on, "And he said something about going to the Fish Tank. I thought I talked him out of it though. He said he was going to meet me here in a few but it's been an hour and he hasn't shown."

    Willow's heart was shredded. There it was again. Xander was always trying to impress other girls and not once, not once did he ever look at her like that. She was just completely beneath his radar and it hurt so much. Just another scar on the heart of mousy little Willow Rosenberg though. Then the anger came back. He was off doing something stupid and she was going to kill him if he wasn't already dead. And if he was, she and Tara were going to find some incantation to bring him back so she could kill him herself. Then they were going to do it again. Then the love spell. Yes, the next day was going to be very interesting.

    "Okay, here's what we need to do." Willow began as she closed her eyes, "I'm going to get Tara. Then you're going to call Buffy. We're going to get in your car and pick her up because we need at least SOMEONE who can handle themselves. We're going to go find Xander, and then we're going to murder him."

    "Willow?" Jesse asked as he raised an eyebrow.

    "I'm not finished. We're going to get a very sharp knife…"

    "Willow?" Jesse asked again. 

    "..which I'm going to use the moment I find out where he is." Willow kept rambling onwards.

    "He's on the dance floor.' Jesse sighed. 

    "Then we're going to slit him groin to sternum for being stupid enough to go into the…wha?"

    Jesse merely pointed to the dance floor where an obviously insane Xander was dancing…if you could call that dancing. He was all smiles and even had a drink in his hand, sipping at it from time to time. 

    "Okay, so our job's easier. You want the arms or legs?" Willow asked.

    "Legs." Jesse replied.

    "Good."

    Tara's feet were still on the ground. Yep. Firmly planted. She needed new shoes. These were scuffed up. Where was Willow? She said she just needed a minute. If her father caught the smell of cigarette smoke on her clothes, there's not telling how mad he'd be. Tara started to panic and closed her eyes. 

    She knew people were looking at her now; staring. They always did. Back home they did. They'd stare and make fun of her because of the clothes she wore or because she stuttered. It was so hard to make or even keep friends. She gritted her teeth to keep from crying right then and there. 

    "Hey? Are you alright?" a voice asked. 

    Tara opened her eyes and looked over. There was a boy there. He wasn't particularly good looking but he had a concerned look on his face. Despite her shyness Tara was somewhat relieved by that. Maybe it wasn't so hard to make friends after. She nodded and again looked down, though not as low as before. 

    "Good. My name's Tucker." The boy said extending his hand.

    Hesitantly, Tara took it and shook it.

    "T-Tara." She replied.

    "You look kind of down. You want to talk? Maybe I can buy you a drink?" Tucker asked. 

    "No, I'm fine. T-Thanks." Tara said warmly.

    "Oh come on, let me buy you a drink." Tucker replied with a somewhat pushy tone. 

    Tara smiled again and shook her head, "I'm g-good, but thanks."

    "Come on. Let me buy you a drink. It'll loosen you up a little." Tucker smiled.

    Tara was sure of one thing. She didn't like where this was going.

    "I-I'm fine." Tara replied, fighting her stutter again. It always got worse when she was nervous. The Bronze hadn't helped it and neither was Tucker. She moved to the side, evading.

    "Look, I just want to buy you a drink." Tucker sighed walking closer to her.

    "Yeah and probably put something in it." A deep, confident voice said from behind Tara. She quickly turned and saw a broad chest. She had to look up to see the face of the newcomer. Tara lost her breath around the time Tucker lost his nerve and started to back away.

    He was tall and very attractive and also very built. His hair was sandy blondish brown and was cut short at the sides and long at the top, with a few strands in his eyes. The eyes were narrowed and fixed on Tucker, who was slinking away slowly. His eyes were glued to the smaller man and his face was twisted into a scowl. Then he looked down to Tara and smiled when he was satisfied Tucker was gone.

    "Sorry about all that." He said warmly. 

    Tara nodded and didn't realize her mouth was hanging open. 

    "He didn't bother you too much did he?" the man asked.

    Tara shook her head, mouth still open.

    "Can I get a word or two? Maybe just a syllable?" the man laughed light heartedly.

    "S-Sorry. Thanks." Tara said to him.

    "No problem. I just didn't want that to get ugly. Tucker's just a little out there, I'm afraid of what he'd do to get more than five seconds worth of attention from a girl. I'm Riley by the way." Riley Finn said holding out his hand.

    "Tara." Tara replied taking it, extremely proud that she hadn't stuttered.

    "Nice meeting you Tara." Riley replied, "Are you alone here?"

    "N-N…No, I'm with friends." Tara stopped and started again to keep from stuttering, "Willow Rosenberg? You know her?"

    "Oh yeah?! That's cool. Yeah I know Willow. We took computer class with Ms. Calendar together" Riley replied.

    "Yeah, she's really smart and nice. I don't know where she went though. One of her friends came up and said something about Xander." Tara said.

    "Yeah, well that explains it then. Whenever Xander's mentioned that girl goes to cloud nine." Riley laughed slightly.

    "So I've heard." Tara smiled up at Riley. 

    "HEY FINN! GET OVER HERE!" a voice yelled from a table of football players.

    Riley looked over to the table and nodded.

    "I have to go." Riley said, "It was nice meeting you. Maybe I'll see you around sometime?"

    Tara smiled and nodded, "Yeah. I think I'd like that."

    Riley smiled and turned to walk away. Tara smiled and felt a lot better now. 

    "Plus his ass is more fun to look at than my feet." She thought.

    Her eyes went wide and her cheeks went red.

    "Where did that come from?" she mentally asked herself.

    Xander smiled as he backed away from the girl on the dance floor, still dancing horribly. Why'd she have to have a boyfriend? Especially one that looked to be a caveman. This elicited memories of Encino Man and sent Xander into a fit of shits and giggles. Still he wondered how Spike would have handled that situation. 

    "Probably would have used a pipe or a wrench." Xander thought as he absentmindedly backed into Cordelia. 

    "Hey! Get your extreme oafishness off of my new shoes!" came the familiar shrill voice of the pride and joy of the Chase family. Kind of like the woman from Evil Dead when Xander thought about it. Still he wasn't really in the mood to spar. He was in too good a mood and was having a great time. 

    "Sorry."

    "I should hope so. Now why don't you slide dance out of here before that girl's boyfriend beats you to paste." Cordelia sneered that rich bitch sneer. 

    "You saw that huh?" Xander blushed slightly.

    "Yeah. Struck out again huh? Not that surprising." Cordelia rolled her eyes.

    Still, what's a great time without tearing into Queen C?

    "Yeah, I guess not." Xander began, slightly startling Cordy with his admission at striking out before smiling sweetly, "Say you know I don't buy what people are saying about you. That outfit doesn't make you look like a HOOKER."

    Cordelia huffed, and puffed, but remarkably the Bronze was not blown away. Xander merely smirked and shimmied away after evening up the score between them. He was all smiles until he came face to face with Jesse and a resolve face wearing Willow. Xander's smile slowly eroded away as he turned and started dancing back the other way. 

    "Alexander Lavelle Harris." Willow growled out. 

    Escape from Sunnydale just wasn't happening tonight. Maybe if he had an eye patch…..

    "Yeah?" Xander asked, wincing as he turned to Willow and Jesse.

    "Did you go to the Fish Tank tonight because Jesse seems to have given me that impression?" Willow asked.

    "Me go to the Fish Tank? No way. I'm not suicidal." Xander replied. 

    "You're aware we know that face you do when you lie right?" Jesse asked.

    Xander raised his hand to retort, but then stopped and sighed.

    "Yes." Xander sighed.

    "Alright then." Willow stated sweetly, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! OR WERE YOU EVEN THINKING AT ALL?!!!"

    "DUDE!" Jesse helped out.

    Xander had to struggle to not be knocked off his feet by the gale force winds of his two best friends screams. 

    "Xander you could have been hurt there!" Willow ranted.

    "Dude!" Jesse added.

    "Well as a matter of fact…" Xander began.

    "Did you want to get killed? Because if you believe the rumors that will happen there!" Willow went on.

    "Dude!" Jesse added again.

    "And you lied to Jesse! You said you wouldn't go there!" Willow went on, gathering attention from the people dancing at the Bronze.

    "Dude!"

    "STOP SAYING DUDE!" Xander screamed exasperatedly before composing himself and looking at Willow, "Look, yeah I went to the Fish Tank. I wanted to see the place. And I saw enough of it to last me a while. Hell Wills I experienced enough to keep me from going back until the mandatory five day waiting period for the handgun is up. Even then though, I'd probably get an Uzi pulled on me so I think I'll stay away from the Tank for a while. Least until I get an adamantium skeleton or heat vision or something."

    Willow almost smiled. It was cute when he made little comic references to everyday life. You could see his eyes light up when he said things like….

    "Gah! Don't do that!" Willow said.

    "Do what?" Xander and Jesse both asked.

    "That thing…that you….never mind." Willow sighed, "Look Xander, please don't go there again? For me? The resolve face is one. You've seen it."

    To Xander's credit he stood toe to toe with the resolve face for the record time. Unfortunately, said time was all of like thirty seconds. Still, Xander felt proud. Clint Eastwood would flinch from that face. I crap you not.

    "Okay." Xander sighed as he folded.

    "Okay good." Willow smiled, "Look I'm here with Tara, but she wants to go. I'm going to walk her home, unless Jesse wants to drive us?"

    "Sure thing Wills. Gives me a chance to pull some moves on your new friend." Jesse smirked, before the resolve face returned and crushed him like an insect, "Or I'll be a very polite and quiet gentleman."

    "Better." Willow said turning from the two guys and went looking for Tara.

    Xander watched Jesse for a few minutes. 

    "You mad at me?" Xander asked.

    "Jesse smash." Jesse replied, "You shouldn't have lied to me dude."

    "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You going to be mad at me for long?" Xander asked again.

    Jesse nodded. 

    "Gimme an estimate?"

    Jesse stood and thought about it.

    "About two chokeslams and a diamond cutter." Jesse replied after much debate.

    "Chokeslams I can handle, no diamond cutter. That hurts when you do it." Xander replied.

    "Ah dude!" Jesse exclaimed, "That's the coin of exchange and you know it! If I got you mad, I'd let you do a wrestling move on me to earn your forgiveness!"

    "The last time you did a diamond cutter on me, my nose bleed every time I took a shower for a week." Xander argued.

    There was quiet for a few seconds.

    "Rock Bottom okay?" Jesse asked.

    "That'll do nicely." Xander replied.

    "Okay then. Our business is concluded. Though until said moves are performed, you are scum." Jesse said before walking towards the doors of the club to meet Willow and Tara.

    Xander stood there before looking to the Heavens (or the ceiling) and speaking to Almighty God. 

    "I have to have the most pathetic life in Sunnydale don't I?" Xander asked.

    Buffy sighed as she sat in the graveyard. Now this was pathetic. She still felt the urge to go out at night and play Vampire Slayer, even with all of the pain it had caused her in just a few short years. Still, she hadn't actually played said game since L.A. Buffy was very thankful of that fact. 

    It started innocently. Her then boyfriend, Billy Fordham (Ford for short) had gotten her into it. It was just a role playing game that he and a few of his friends played. At a party at the start of freshman year, Ford had explained it to her. She nodded intently, not really caring for his explanation at all. She was more concerned with how to get him to go steady with her at the time.

    The rules were simple, you design a character based on some sheets taken from the back of Ford's rule book (the Watcher's Guide it was called). Said character is usually a Vampire Slayer (though you could be a vampire, a werewolf, or just plain mortal). After creating a character the storyteller (here known as a Watcher and usually played by Ford) created a campaign for the players to follow. Buffy was relatively bored with the game at first; playing only to get closer to Ford, though after a while she began to like the game. 

    It helped her to flex creative muscles she never knew she had. And she was GOOD at it. Her character, Joan, was a very powerful and experienced Vampire Slayer. She was strong, smart, and witty. Kind of like Lara Croft, only not so slutty. She fought lots of vampires and demons throughout the course of her campaigns. There was the Judge, whose touch could disintegrate anyone with the "stench" of humanity. There was the violent warrior vampire called Kakistos, whom Joan managed to kill in Buffy's very first campaign!  Joan even managed to stop an Ascension at one point. But her most persistent nemesis was the vampire lord, Lothos, who lived in a castle that very much resembled the high school gym. He hounded her and very near killed her on several occasions. 

    Soon, Vampire Slayer sessions consumed Buffy's schedule. Even when she spent time with Ford, they spent the majority of their time creating adventures for Joan. It was seriously starting to detract from anything else she had in life. Her grades slipped. She quit the cheerleading team. She spent less time with her parents and sister. The last thing that Buffy thought of at night and the first thing in the morning were adventures for Joan. She wanted to be Joan. Joan was everything she wasn't. She was so consumed with her campaigns that she didn't even notice Ford getting more pale or weak with every session. 

    One night she got a call. It was Ford's mother. She was calling to explain that something had happened. She talked to Buffy's parents first and Buffy wondered what was happening. Soon it was all explained to her. Ford had been sick for quite some time apparently. He had an inoperable brain tumor and he just didn't get up from his nap when his parents tried to wake him. Buffy was devastated. She remembered sliding down the wall in tears. 

    That's when Joan took over. Her Watcher was dead. It had to be a plan concocted by Lothos. He was striking at her through those people she cared about. And he was laughing back at that castle of his. He was laughing like a madman at her, mocking her pain. Joan wouldn't let him get away with it.

    His castle was burning by morning. 

    "Laugh at me now you bastard." Joan had spat at the flaming building. 

    The burning of the school gymnasium started a chain reaction in Buffy/Joan's life.  Buffy was taken into custody almost immediately. She was expelled from school before that. Her actions destroyed the marriage of her parents. It alienated any friends she had. Luckily, she didn't go on trial, having been found unfit for it. She was a clear case of temporary insanity. Though that did warrant a sixth month say in a mental hospital. She was eventually released into her mother's custody when she was convinced her delusions weren't real. She, her mother and sister moved to Sunnydale not long after that. 

    The former high school princess turned Slayer turned to an outcast when word of her past got out. She was shunned, but not by everyone. She had met Willow, Jesse, and Xander not long after moving to town. And she was happy again. Still there were nights like tonight when the urge to play Vampire Slayer was almost undeniable. It was in her blood, in her gut. It was like taking drugs and suddenly having a relapse. 

    "Well this certainly sucks." Buffy said sitting on the tombstone, looking about her. That's when it happened. If she hadn't looked up at just that moment, she would have missed it. There was a quick movement about the corner of the tomb. Her eyes widened and her mind screamed the first thing it could register.

    "Vampire."

    "No, that's stupid. There are no such things." Buffy said, closing her eyes tightly. 

    She opened them and saw a silhouette move out from behind the tomb in the moonlight. It was tall and took confidant strides as it walked along the fresh grass. It was still at least two hundred feet away and was turned in such a way that whoever it was, they hadn't noticed her. She thought. 

    The wind blew and the coat of the figure blew with it, flapping and dancing in the wind. The faint sound of wind chimes could be heard in the distance as the figure suddenly turned in the moonlight and looked right at her. Buffy swallowed.

    "Then again…" she said before darting off. It was way past her bedtime. 

    The figure stood there and watched the girl run off quickly before shrugging and walking again. He stumbled and tripped over a headstone. He started laughing drunkenly.

    "Oh yeah…that was a good…" he laughed, "That was positively fucking graceful Angel."

    Then he passed out and slept. 

    Spike's vintage black Desoto roared to a stop across town. He quickly exited the car and walked down the stone steps into the apartment complex, bed begging to be used. Rough night, still he always did favor a spot of violence before bedtime. A good shag too. Jack helped with the first and Dru with the latter. Grinning sardonically, he dug into his duster pocket and produced his keys. He opened the door and closed it behind him as he entered the house. There was a light in the kitchen. There always was. He groaned and bloody well looked forward to this. 

    Spike began down the hall for his room, passing the kitchen.

    "You're late again." A gruff voice came from the kitchen table.

    Spike paused at the doorway and looked in on his uncle. 

    "Reckon I am."

    "Are you going to attempt to go to school tomorrow?" 

    "Maybe." Spike lied.

    "Did you get into any trouble?"

    "A little. Still, way I hear, not anythin' more than you used to."

    "Go to bed."

    "On my way."

    "Goodnight." The voice from the kitchen said.

    Spike paused for a moment and then walked down the hall.

    "'Night." He said. 

    In the kitchen, Rupert Giles sighed and poured himself another glass of scotch and wondered how in THE hell a smart woman like his sister could have ever married Ethan Rayne.    


	3. Fast Times at Sunnydale High

    "And then the Periodicals call numbers should be recorded. We really need to have these sorted."

    "Uh huh." Buffy nodded lost in thought.

    "Also it would be pertinent to make sure that the books are evenly on the shelves. They shouldn't be sticking out." 

    "Uh huh." Buffy replied.

    "I'm also thinking of renting a tutu and prancing about in it in the library."

    "Uh…..huh? What?" Buffy asked snapping out of her stupor and coming face to face with her Library science teacher.

    Rupert Giles smiled. He still had it. And immediately after deciding he had "it", his smile faded and was replaced with a grimmer look. 

    "Buffy, are you feeling alright?" Giles asked.

    "Yeah. I'm peachy. Peachy Buffy." Buffy smiled in return.

    "…Yes. Peachy." Giles said as he began to take off his glasses.

    "Oh God. He's cleaning his glasses." Buffy thought, "Now let's see…what's next? Something like, "I'm concerned for your performance. You've been very distant this morning and if anything's troubling you I'd like to know or you should at least make the school counselor aware. If not there could be—"

    "—dire consequences." Giles finished.

    "Okay. If anything's wrong you'll be the first to know Giles." Buffy saluted.

    Giles nodded appreciatively. Then the moment was marked by a long silence. Giles slightly grimaced.

    "Well?" he asked.

    "Well what?"

    "Is there something troubling you?" Giles asked.

    "Peachy Buffy remember?" Buffy smiled.

    "…Indeed. Now then shall we get back to cataloging?" 

    Buffy groaned.

    "Sure, why not? I love cataloging. It's so much fun there are no words to express it." She said sarcastically.

    Giles smirked.

    "I rather thought peachy summed it up well." He stated.

    "You're an evil man, but I'll get right on it. Maybe Will can finish it up this afternoon." Buffy sighed.

    Giles visibly flinched.

    "Will?"

    "Yeah. Willow? She has the afternoon Library science session?" Buffy asked.

    "Yes of course. Willow. Silly me." Giles said with relief.

    "Any particular reason you just had a Wiggins?" Buffy asked arching an eyebrow.

    "I have no idea what you just said so I'll try not to reply to it. You should get back to cataloging." Giles ordered as he walked towards his office.

    "Heil Hitler." Buffy said with a groan as she turned to the books with the usual look of boredom. 

    Then when Giles was out of sight she quickly dropped that façade and ran for a particular section in the stacks to "work". There she pulled out a rather large and dusty tome. She immediately flipped through her copy of "The Living Undead" and read intently. She had to know the tell tale signs of a vampire. What their "real" habits were and if they happened to propagate in graveyards or not. She had to know what she saw. It was pivotal to her life. Joan…Buffy had to know if they could be real or not.

    Steel toed shoes hit the concrete with loud smacks as their owner cockily walked through the halls of Sunnydale high school. His leather jacket seemed to swirl as he walked along, his head high with a sneer painting his face. Black clothes adorned his body and his spiked hair was like a majestic crest as he strode past everyone with utter contempt. He was bad. He was VERY bad and he made damned sure everyone knew it. 

    "Oh my God!" Cordelia Chase said aloud when she saw the epitome of evil walking the halls, "Just when I thought you could NOT get any more pathetic, you just go and raise my expectations."

    Xander turned and looked at the girl and her little cronies beginning to laugh. How would Spike handle this? 

    "And just when I thought your skirts couldn't climb any higher above the knees, well here we are." Xander fired back with a smirk.

    Hey there were no pipes lying around.

    "At least I look good in what I wear." Cordelia said flipping her hair, prompting Harmony and a few others to do the same.

    "Or don't wear apparently." Xander replied.

    Cordy smiled.

    "Exactly. And it makes me feel even better that this is much of me that you'll ever see, loser." Cordelia smiled with all her bitch-shark-possible mummy pride. 

    "Oh sweetie that hit him hard." One of Cordy's chief cronies, Glory, said with a laugh. 

    That one had gotten Xander in all honesty. He should've played it smarter than that, but he blew it and leave it to Cordy to capitalize on his choice of words. Bitches tended to be like that.

    "Later loser." Cordelia said as she and her group walked by.

    "Yeah later loser!" Harmony said with pride.

    Xander smiled.

    "Wow. A dog actually talked." He smirked.

    "He sure did Xander. Good boy." Cordelia replied before Harmony could get huffy.

    Xander's smile faded as he watched them walk away.

    "I am not dealing with humans here."

    "Can you believe the immense losers that go here?" Glory asked Cordelia as the Cordettes entered the girls' bathroom.

    "Honey, I believed that when I stopped believing there was a monster in my closet." Cordelia replied.

    "Yeah, where does he get off calling me a dog?! I'm hot damn it!" Harmony screeched.

    "Way hot." Glory replied as she adjusted her makeup.

    "Totally hot." Anya added as she did the same.

    "You're so hot you're nuclear." Cordelia stated.

    Harmony stopped pouting and smiled.

    "You guys should be like therapists. Dr. Phil is crap compared to you."

    "Something we already knew, sweetie, but thanks." Cordelia smirked.

   "You really shouldn't let someone like Xander Harris get you down. I mean he's going to be working shifts at Doublemeat in ten years while you're sipping Margaritas and flirting with Cabana Boys at the country club." Glory said, turning to Harmony.

    "Yeah, it's like loser isn't a strong enough word for what he is. He should be like…" Cordelia trailed off.

    "Super loser?" Glory asked.

    Cordy snapped her fingers.

    "That's the stuff." Cordelia replied, "You just have to let his taunts roll off your back like me."

    "Yeah. You reign Cordy." Harmony replied.

    "Oh I know." Cordelia smirked, touching up her lipstick.

    "I think he's kind of cute." Anya just flat out stated.

    The other girls turned and looked at her with a look of total shock or disgust or perhaps a mixture of the two.

    "What?" Anya asked.

    "EWWWWW!" the others replied punctuating the grossness with scrunched up noses and faces.

    "Oh don't get me wrong. I mean he's not like football player Adam cute or even lingering pretty boy Parker cute. It's just that…well he's not ugly. That and he has a surprisingly hard body." Anya blurted out before smiling and looking back in the mirror.

    "Xander Harris…. a hard body? Did you get high at the Bronze last night or something?" Harmony asked.

    "Nope. I was there at swim team tryouts last spring remember?" Anya asked.

    "Yeah. Ogling everything in sight no doubt." Glory smirked.

    "Or not in sight." Cordelia continued.

    "You slut." Harmony giggled.

    "Well he tried out for the swim team and I was thinking at first oh barf ya know? But he came out in that speedo and suddenly I was wondering who attached Xander's head to a hottie's body." Anya explained.

    "Six pack?" Glory asked suddenly interested.

    "No. But it was firm." Anya replied.

    "Xander?" Cordelia asked.

    "Xander Harris?" Harmony asked along with her.

    "Yep."

    "I thought he didn't make the swim team." Cordelia replied.

    "Hell if I know. I was there to look at the Salty Goodness." Anya admitted.

    "Wow. Xander has a hot body." Harmony mused.

    "Yeah." Glory said in a daze.

    "Oh PUH-LEESE!" Cordelia began, "Look at yourselves drooling over that total loser. See, this is why I'M the leader here. I have more sense than you guys."

    "Hey we weren't drooling!" Harmony screeched.

    "Yeah, I mean even if he has a yummy bod he's still an asshole." Glory added.

    "Yeah exactly." Anya said, though her mind was replaying swim team tryouts over and over.

    "Thank God. Maybe some of my sense finally rubbed off on you. I swear the only person who'd even be remotely interested in Xander is an even bigger loser!" Cordelia laughed.

    "Oooh like that Willow freak!" Harmony added, getting a laugh from all present.

    "Oh yeah. She needs a wardrobe transplant stat! I mean you'd think with as much money as her family brings in, she'd dress halfway decently!" Anya remarked.

    "I hear she's a dyke." Glory said.

    "No way!" Harmony squealed.

    "Yes way. One time we got stuck together for this project in science, and she wanted to know what time to meet up and get together to "work" on it." Glory smirked.

    "And?" Harmony asked, hanging on every word.

    "I was like, pssh screw that. Do it all yourself." Glory smirked.

    "It all makes sense now. The clothes, the shyness. She likes fish." Anya smirked.

    At that Cordelia turned and rolled her eyes at her group.

    "Now this is pathetic." Cordelia sighed.

    "What is?" Harmony asked.

    "The fact that you're all actually talking about Willow Rosenberg and that your gossip sucks. She's no dyke. She eyes Xander Harris all the time. It's plain to see, though I swear he's like the only one that doesn't see that huge crush she has on him. That's really sad if an incredible loser doesn't even notice you. I mean come off it already. She's beneath us. She's nobody." Cordelia smirked.

    Two stalls down, Willow held a hand over her mouth and let tears silently fall down her cheeks. 

    "Yeah. Nobody." Willow thought.

    "So what do you think?" Xander said displaying himself to Buffy and Jesse at lunch.

    He received two looks that made him even more uncomfortable than anything the Cordettes said.

    "What happened to your clothes?" Buffy asked.

    "Dude, what happened to your hair?" Jesse asked, looking at the gelled spikes.

    "Way cool huh?" Xander asked, trying to sway their opinion.

    "Well…it's new." Buffy quickly said.

    "It's bold…and daring. Like Doritos." Jesse smirked reaching into his lunch.

    "But is it badass?" Xander asked.

    "Uh, well…" Buffy said trailing off.

    "So that's it huh? Just well?" Xander sighed sitting down on the grass.

    "It's just something that needs time." Buffy reassured him, "I mean this is spontaneous."

    "Very spontaneous. I feel like you're going to burst into flames any second now." Jesse laughed.

    "Funny. Note that it's so funny I'm not laughing." Xander groaned, "Where's Wills when I really need her?"

    "Sorry." Willow sniffed as she sat in the library stacks, "I'm dragging you away from lunch and really smothering you. You've been here all of a day or two and you're spending all your time with me?"

    Tara smiled reassuringly.

    "It's okay. I like hanging out with you." She replied.

    "Thanks." Willow replied, "It's just….God…I don't know why I lay all this out on you. I'm sure you hate hearing it."

    "N-No. It's okay. I don't mind." Tara smiled again, "It sounds to me like those girls aren't very nice people and you just shouldn't worry about what they have to say when they obviously don't know you."

    Willow shrugged.

    "It's not just that. I mean, some of what they said was true. Like the Xander thing. That's true." Willow frowned.

    Tara furrowed her brow, trying to think of something to say to alleviate the situation.

    "How about we do that love spell?" Tara asked.

    Willow perked up.

    "Here? Now?" Willow asked.

    "Sure." Tara chirped.

    "Don't we need the mystical herbs and tomes and stuff?" Willow asked.

    "Not really. We just need intent. That's all really." Tara replied.

    "Are you sure? Because I heard that you needed eye of.—"

    "Willow, trust me okay?" Tara cut her off.

    Willow stopped babbling and looked at Tara. 

    "Alright. What do we do?" she asked.

    "Well first of all," Tara said moving to sit opposite Willow, "We sit like this. Cross legged."

    "We crazy Sunnydale folk tend to call it Indian style." Willow said mirroring Tara's position.

    "Cross legged, Indian style, it's all the same thing." Tara smirked, "Extend your hands."

    Willow held her hands out and Tara grasped them with her own. It was a firm yet still gentle grip. A safe grip. Willow smiled.

    "You've done this before, you sly dog." Willow quipped.

    "W-What?" Tara asked.

    "Just a joke. Go on. What's next?"

    "We close our eyes and concentrate on the person we want to cast the spell on. In this case, it's Xander." Tara answered.

    "No magick words?" Willow asked.

    "Not really. Just intent. Now, eyes closed." Tara said, shutting her eyes, "Now focus."

    Willow did as she told and began to focus on Xander. She visualized him that time that they were five and the clown at his birthday party had scared him so bad that he had run from it and begged her to help him. They hid under one of the table's that day, Willow protecting him.

    He had protected her as well that same year. She broke the yellow crayon on their first day of kindergarten. That most grievous of crimes had made her cry for fear of being punished. But there was Xander, taking care of her and calming her. He had protected her.

    There was the time when they were twelve and it actually snowed for the first time in years in the town. Xander and Jesse had tried to impress her by going down a particularly large hill on a trash can lid. Needless to say she laughed when they fell off and tumbled down the hill. Later she had made hot cocoa to warm them. But she saved the marshmallows for Xander.

    Then there was the most treasured memory that she had ever had. The time she had almost kissed him. It was one magickal summer night last year when they had just come back from the movies. It was late, too late for Willow to walk home so she stayed with him that night. They lay on his bed and talked the night away. Around four in the morning, as they both grew tired, their eyes went glassy. 

    Maybe it was fatigue, maybe not, but Willow could swear she saw something in his eyes that was more than just friendship. How Willow wanted to press her lips against his and just lose herself. She wanted to drown in the ocean that was Xander. In that moment, she found herself shifting closer to him and she felt SOMETHING deep. He made no move to escape and just watched her.

    But as much as she wanted to, she was also afraid that he would take it the wrong way and their friendship would be destroyed. God how her heart ached when he stopped just short of kissing him. How she played that night over and over in her head at least once everyday since. How she loved her Xander. 

    Willow smiled.

    "Okay, I think it worked." Willow said as she opened her eyes.

    Tara opened her eyes and looked amazed.

    "Really?" she asked.

    "No, not really, but I feel better now." Willow said wistfully, "I love him Tara. I really do. And I'm going to get him. I promise…no I swear that."

    "That's deep." Tara said, leaning against the bookcase behind her. 

    "I have to face facts. I need to at lest try to get his attention." Willow replied, "You know what I mean?"

    "Yeah. I think so. I t-think I have a c-c-crush too." Tara said, attempting to fight her stutter.

    "Already? You move fast." Willow smiled.

    Tara nodded smiling, then shook her head.

    "W-Wait no! I'm not a slut or anything!"

    "I didn't say you were. I was playing." Willow replied.

    "Oh. Okay then."

    "So who is it?" Willow asked.

    "Umm. I don't know if I should say." Tara replied sheepishly.

    "Oh come on, I pour my heart about my unrequited worship of Xander Harris and I don't even get a name of the guy you think you might possibly have a crush on?" Willow joked.

    Tara hung her head.

    "His name's Riley."

    "Riley? Riley Finn?" Willow asked her jaw dropping.

    "Yeah. I met him at the Bronze. He seems nice." Tara said, "He is nice right? That's not just a façade and this won't end like Carrie? Right?"

    "He's nice. He's a good guy. That's rare here I guess. Only problem is he doesn't date a lot." Willow answered.

    "Why not?" Tara asked.

    "You know my friend Buffy? The one who got into the huge brawl yesterday?" Willow started.

    "Yeah?"

    "Well they used to date." Willow went on, "And they had a pretty nasty break up. I don't know if I should get into it but it was…intense to say the least. I mean they're pretty good today but for a while it was rough. Anyway, he doesn't date much now because of that. Neither does she really."

    "Oh." Tara nodded, "He has a nice ass."

    "Yeah." Willow replied wistfully. Then she smirked.

    "Let's make a pact." Willow stated.

    "A pact?" Tara asked.

    Yeah. A pact. I say we go after the guys we both like." Willow said proudly.

    "What's the catch?" Tara asked.

    "What catch?" Willow asked.

    "There's got to be some other clause to a pact otherwise it's not a pact." Tara answered.

    "Um. Let me think…okay I got it." Willow smirked again, "If we can't get the guys we want I say we swear off guys altogether and become crazy, fun loving lesbians."

    "Are you serious?"

    "Well, I was thinking it'd be a good way get Xander interested and I then I can make my move." Willow admitted.

    "Ah."

    The alarm clock blared and from beneath one of the most disheveled beds in history a hand emerged. It felt around and struck the clock several times in a vain attempt to get it to go off. After failing miserably Spike just grabbed the damned thing and threw it. He knew it was five anyway.

    He sat up and immediately yawned. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he reached for the nightstand and retrieved his Zippo and a cigarette. He lit up and puffed deeply as he stood and began to stretch.

    "Now where are those soddin' pants?" Spike asked himself aloud. 

    Moments later he walked out of his bedroom and to the kitchen. He grabbed some Wheat-A-Bix and started chowing down. He walked back towards his room to finish getting dressed.

    "The dead rises." Giles said walking from the living room.

    "The dead has a helluva hangover so sod off, Ripper." Spike replied.

    "I take it you're going out again tonight?" Giles sighed.

    "Bloody right." Spike smirked as he walked into his room. Giles followed.

    "You know if you don't go to school I'm just going to send you back to England." Giles stated.

    That made Spike smirk.

    "Come on mate, we both know you won't do that." Spike replied, "Empty threat is all that is."

    "You need to go to school." Giles reiterated. 

    "What I need is a pint and good shag an since you're incapable of either of those features I'll have to go find Dru." Spike said as he pulled his boots on.

    "Yes, Drusilla. She's come into the library on occasion. She's very….ahm….—"

    "Batty?" 

    "I was going to say eccentric but I believe that works as well." Giles sighed.

    "All for show. Girl's a drama queen but she's mine." Spike smirked.

    "Yes her rendition of Juliet was quite…memorable." Giles said remembering the school play last semester.

    "She's a ham too, but I love her." Spike smirked as he pulled an old black t-shirt on.

    "She goes to school as well." Giles said, folding his arms.

    "And back to the school thing. Seriously Ripper, you need a new hobby. I'll go when I bloody well feel like going. Today wasn't that day." Spike stated.

    "You've missed the first four days of the semester." Giles replied.

    "Didn't feel like going those days either. Relax already." Spike said as he pulled on his duster, "I'm going out."

    "To the Fish Tank again?"

    "That's the one. I'll be back when I get back."

    "We're not done talking about school yet." Giles said following Spike as he exited the room.

    "We'll talk about it tomorrow. Really. Stop being an old woman about me playing truant for a few days." Spike grinned.

    Rupert Giles felt entirely powerless and enraged at this boy. Still, he kept it inside. No sense going and blowing a gasket even if Spike did deserve her little arse kicked back to Manchester. Still, Giles tried to get some, any form of communication going between the two.

    "Someone called for you earlier." He stated.

    "Was it Dru?"

    "No. It was a man."

    "Not interested then."

    "He sounded drunk."

    "That'd be Angel. I'll run into him later if he's not throwing up in his toilet. See you later Ripper." Spike said slamming the door.

    "Yes…later." 

    Giles sighed. One day that boy was going to get in trouble.

    "I think you got trouble, Blondie." Faith said as soon as Spike entered the door of the Fish Tank.

    "Jack the Tool back?" Spike smirked.

    "Nope. This guy's cuter." Faith said licking her lips, "I think I might beak him in later. That is if you don't want to give me a ride."

    "One woman guy Faith. But maybe." Spike grinned, "Where's the ponce at?"

    "Your booth. I sent him over." Faith smirked, "I think he's looking for a scrap. Beat him up real bad so I can lick his wounds."

    "Slut." Spike snickered.

    "Five by five." Faith replied as if that explained it all.

    Spike meanwhile stalked to the booth he'd used at this bar since coming here over the summer. He gradually began to realize who was sitting in the booth. He groaned and saw it was the little poof he'd saved the night before.

    "You. Up. Get out. Now." Spike said coldly.

    Xander leapt up.

    "I'm up! Trust me I'm up! Spike right?" Xander asked.

    "Yeah." Spike said, mildly annoyed, "Get out."

    "Well I just wanted to—"

    "I don't want or need your thanks mate. So move." Spike growled.

    "Not what I was getting at." Xander smiled nervously.

    "I'm giving you five seconds until I ram a railroad spike through your head, Nancy." Spike bristled.

    "I just wanted to try and talk to you and see if I could make a deal."

    "Five." Spike started.

    "Please man, that was so badassed what you did last night."

    "Four."

    "Just give me a chance to explain."

    "Three."

    "Please slow down the counting. I just want to make a deal."

    "Two."

    "I'll pay you. For your time and for helping me out." Xander added quickly.

    Spike stopped counting.

    "We have much to discuss." He smirked, "Sit down."

    "Sitting." Xander replied.

    Spike plopped into the booth himself.

    "So what's this all about, mate?" he asked.

    "Well," Xander started, "You ever watch Happy Days?"


	4. Shopping for cool, Shopping for clothes

    "You're bloody insane." Spike said, smoking his cigarette.

    "So I've been told." Xander replied, "So what do you say?"

    "That you're bloody insane." Spike said again.

    "Come on. You'll be getting paid." Xander sighed, "Five bucks for every time you help me out."

    "Ten."

    "Ten bucks for every time you help me out. That buys a lot of cancer sticks." Xander pointed out.

    Spike just blew the smoke into his face.

    "Is this some sort of poofter thing?" Spike asked, arching an eyebrow.

    Xander cocked his head.

    "Does that have to do with crap? Because I mean it sounds that way."

    "No you lack-wit. Is this some sort of gay thing? You got something for me 'cause I saved your life last night?" Spike asked.

    "No! No, no, no! Dude, I'm so not gay…not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just I really need guidance in the arts of badassedness…if that's a word." Xander replied with a smile.

    Spike inhaled.

    "You're SURE this isn't a gay thing?"

    "Will you stop obsessing with the gay thing?! This isn't a slash fic on the net!" Xander replied, losing his temper slightly, "Not that I read those ya know cause grrr manly."

    "Alright. Give me ten dollars." Spike stated.

    Xander reached into his wallet and after much trying, produced two five dollar bills and put them on the table. Spike's hand instantly grasped the money. He smirked evilly.

    "Lesson the first," Spike began, "Keep your wits about you at all times. I know it's hard in your case.."

    "Hey!"

    "But always keep them about you. Stay calm, keep thinking. Never lose control 'till you have a reason to fight. Then you let it all out." Spike said as he puffed away.

    "Stay calm. Got it." Xander said, writing on a steno pad that he seemed to produce from nowhere, "That's just the kind of radical thinking I need."

    "Well that's just super. Now pay up." Spike smirked.

    "But I just did." Xander said confusedly.

    Spike smiled wolfishly.

    "I never said that the ten dollars you gave me was for your little lesson. I just said to give it to me and you did." Spike snickered, "Now I'll take the ten dollars for my lesson."

    "That's not fair!" Xander shouted.

    "Bloody well right it's not fair. But it was witty wasn't it?" Spike said, cool as ice.

    Xander's jaw dropped.

    "That was cruel man! You jerk! You gypped me! That was so undeniably wrong!" Xander said aghast with Spike smiling and soaking up the compliments, "You have much to teach me!"

    Spike groaned inwardly. He hoped this idiot would lose interest already.

    Joan swung around and staked the vampire to her left. She ducked instinctively as the next one attacked from behind. She flipped it and brought her foot down into its face breaking the jaw. She then dropped and just staked it. She rose as dust exploded upwards on her, coating her. 

    The last vampire swallowed hard as it saw hateful orbs glare at it. Then a sadistic smirk crossed Joan's face. The vampire turned and began to run. Joan just stayed in place and lobbed her stake. It entered the back of the vampire and hit the heart, turning it to dust in an instant. She walked to the pile of dust and retrieved her stake, blowing some of the ex-vampire off of the shard of wood.

    That's when she felt it. She spun and in the distance she saw her true foe. He stood tall and was watching her with great interest. There was a smirk on his face as he strode towards her. She readied herself and prepared for battle, her teeth bared. Her foe began to bare his. He chuckled as he did.

    Perhaps this was the one she had heard of. Perhaps this was the one that had cut a bloody swath through Europe. She tensed, feeling every muscle in her body begin to tingle. This was war. It was war that only one of them would walk away from. 

    Joan moved forward and prepared to jam her stake in little sister's heart….ABWHA?

    "-called and needs your help." Dawn blurted out.

    Buffy shook her head and snapped out of her daydream; her disturbing, blood-soaked, demon filled daydream.

    "What?" Buffy asked as she tried to focus.

    "Willow called and she needs your help with something." Dawn replied, watching Buffy oddly, "Are you high?"

    "What?! No!"

    "If you are high, I won't tell on you. As long as you give me a hit too." Dawn replied.

    Buffy shook her fist.

    "Oh I'll give you a hit alright."

    Dawn squealed and ran out of the room. After a minute, she peeked back in.

    "I'm gonna tell mom you threatened to abuse me." Dawn replied.

    "Oh so they're on that public service in junior high are they?" Buffy quipped.

    "Just one hit?" Dawn asked.

    "Come a little closer and I'll give it to you." Buffy said, popping her knuckles.

    "Fine." Dawn pouted.

    "Did Willow say what she wanted?" Buffy asked.

    "Just that she wanted you to meet her at the mall. At the Frogurt Shop." Dawn said.

    "What time is it?" 

    "Five thirty." Dawn said, prancing down the hall.

    Five thirty….she'd lost two hours after coming home from school. No, no she was not going to go through this crap again. There was no way she was going through this again.

    "You want to what?" Buffy asked.

    "I want to shake up my image a little. Change my style so I can get noticed more." Willow said with a smile.

    Buffy sighed. She was not going through this again.

    "Just kill me now." Buffy said to the sky.

    Willow frowned.

    "You are going to help right?" Willow asked, pouting.

    "Well, Will, you know I love you but.." Buffy sighed again, "But you never take my advice when it comes to this stuff. Remember Halloween?"

    "I was…just a little shy then. I'm better now though." Willow replied.

    "W-What happened on Halloween?" Tara asked, nervously. 

    What a giddy thrill she got from asking that question! She'd never been allowed to celebrate Halloween because of the Satanism involved in it….at least that's what her father had said, so the taboo of her friend….and her friend's friend whom she was slightly nervous around….celebrating it was interesting. 

    Buffy looked to Tara and smiled.

    "Will wanted to catch Xander's eye. So I helped her with her costume. She looked REALLY good too, but she was so shy and nervous that she covered herself up with a sheet and went as a ghost." Buffy explained.

    Tara began to giggle uncontrollably. 

    "A ghost?! Wow! That's amazing!" Tara laughed, receiving confused looks from Buffy and Willow, "Never mind M-Might have been s-something on Andy Griff-f-fith."

    "Anyways," Buffy said looking back at Willow, "the moral of the story is to not cover yourself up when you ask for your best friend's time and patience."

    "Oh Buffy! I promise I won't do that this time! I swear! Just help me pleeeeeeease?!" Willow pleaded, "I'll get down on my hands and knees right here in the food court and beg!"

    "S-She'll do it." Tara added, just trying to get a word in.

    Buffy looked at Willow, she looked at the pleading puppy dog eyes. She smiled and looked up to the sky.

    "If I could just resist that look it would simple things up so much." Buffy said, "Alright. I'll help you."

    "YES!" Willow shouted, earning looks from around the food court. Tara instantly looked down because of the attention. Buffy just looked around and smiled.

    "Mocha high." She whispered, "Just a mocha high."

    She then turned back to Willow again.

    "There's a but here."

    "There's always a but." Willow whimpered.

    "I don't want to hear any complaining. I'm doing this to help you, so I want you to appreciate the time I'm spending okay?"

    Willow's eyes lit up.

    "Is that it?! No problem Buffy. You won't here me complain! Not one bit!"

    "Are you…sure about this?" Willow asked as she looked at herself in the mirror. 

    If Buffy could have hung herself, she would have.

    "Will, it looks good on you. Trust me." Buffy replied.

    Willow looked at the dress she was wearing. Well, it was pretty but it would be more something like what Cordelia would wear. She didn't think she had the body for it.

    "It's a little short." Willow added.

    "Wills, its mid-thigh. I have skirts that are much shorter." Buffy explained.

    "You do?!" Tara asked with a combination of awe and the feeling that the three of them were doing something wrong.

    "Yeah, don't yo—"

    Buffy stopped and looked at how Tara's dress went below the ankle.

    "Never mind." Buffy backpedaled.

    "I'm not sure if its really my style." Willow added, turning to see the dress at different angles.

    "Which is why we're changing your style. That's the whole point isn't it?" Buffy asked.

    "Well, yeah. But I'm not sure if this is my ideal dress." Willow grimaced.

    "Okay." Buffy said, "Tara? You want to try it on?"

    Tara nearly fell over.

    "N-No! Oh n-no!" Tara frantically begged.

    Buffy arched her eyebrow.

    "It's a dress, not strychnine." Buffy mused, "Strychnine's not in the ingredients right?"

    "Nope." Willow replied.

    "See?"

    "Oh I k-k-know but I'm not s-s-sure I'd look good in it." Tara nodded quickly before looking to her feet, "Though I have been thinking about getting new shoes."

    "You're speaking my language, girl!" Buffy said, dragging Tara off to the shoe department.

    "What about me?!" Willow called.

    "Try on more clothes!" Buffy called back, as she dragged a very frightened Tara behind her. Who was this crazy woman and why did she like clothes so much?!

    Willow would answer her of course, except she was trapped in her own universe.

    "I can't shake the feeling this makes my butt look big."

    Spike smiled and smoked his cigarette. He was getting some much needed relaxation now. He smirked and watched that loser that had come in earlier play pool. He'd been at it all day ever since forking out ten bucks to have Spike teach him. A cigarette, the whelp off his back, and a total of twenty bucks he'd raked in from this rube today. Yep, life was good for the Big Bad.

    "Ow!" Spike spouted as he was slapped in the back of the head. 

    "Evenin' William." The larger man said as he sat down with a mug of beer. 

    Spike scowled slightly.

    "Peaches." He said in greeting, "You do that one more time and you lose that hand."

    "Touchy." Angel said, taking a drink from his mug, "You get my call?"

    "Rupe mentioned someone drunk and trying to talk in a crappy Irish accent called." Spike replied, "Trying to sound like your ancestors again, eh mate? The Micks would be very disappointed."

    Angel's brow went down.

    "I don't remember talking in an accent today."

    "Don't brood over it you ninny. I added the last part."

    "So it's not crappy then?"

    "Oh, mate, it blows." Spike laughed, "Have a good day sleeping off your hangover?"

    "Yeah. Woke up with some chick. Can't remember her name. The burden of being good looking and drunk." Angel replied.

    "Quite the swinger, you are." Spike inhaled.

    "What about you?"

    "Hangovers are for Nancy Boys." Spike replied, "I've been here all day making money."

    "You never said you were dealing." Angel replied, "Share the wealth man."

    Spike's eyes rolled.

    "I'm not dealing, you git. Get this though, there's this guy right? Real loser type who wants me to show him how to be a real tough guy." Spike stated, "It's like a bleeding eighties movie!"

    Angel and Spike both started laughing.

    "So how much you going to play this guy for?" Angel asked.

    "Play him? Hell, long as he pays me I'm gonna teach 'em." 

    "That's noble of you." Angel mused after taking another drink, "What's your angle?"

    "Huh?"

    "Come on now William, Angel spelled sideways is angle. I can smell one. Where you going with this?" 

    "I'm not going anywhere." Spike replied, flipping his cigarette in Angel's beer, "And the name IS Spike."

    Angel looked at his beer and sighed.

    "Can I break one of those tens for a new mug or do I have to beat you down first?" Angel asked sinisterly.

    Spike glared at him evilly, then busted out laughing. He threw a crumpled up ten at Angel. Angel started laughing as well and got up. 

    "You're a good man William."

    "It's Spike." 

    "Spike, William, whatever, as long as I get money for beer I'll call you Queenie if I have to." Angel laughed and stumbled towards the bar.

    Spike shook his head and watched him go. Then he watched Xander playing pool with Faith. And he hoped no one would ever guess why he decided to help him.

    "Getting' good at this, boy toy!" Faith said flirtatiously.

    "Oh yeah. I'm a natural." Xander replied, "Not at pool I mean, at wasting my time. I'm great at that."

    "Pretty good at that myself." Faith replied.

    Xander pulled at his collar because of the sudden rise in temperature in the room. He then looked at the table.

    "Corner pocket." Xander said.

    The ball went into the side pocket.

    "Okay, so I'm no good at making calls, but the important thing to remember is that the ball DID go into a hole." Xander defended.

    Faith smirked and took her own turn at the table.

    "That is the important thing." She said, bending over in her low cut top.

    And Xander wondered why the room was getting so hot!

    Faith sunk her ball in the corner pocket and smirked.

    "All you need to get it inside is just natural skill or a big stick." Faith said to Xander, making him blush, "You handle your stick pretty well."

    "Everyday!" Xander blurted out, before mentally kicking himself.

    "Tease." Faith replied.

    Xander tried to avert his eyes from the very hot brunette and focus on the game; something that became increasingly harder as she sat up on the table right beside of him and sent a look to him that made it VERY hard to concentrate. 

    As he began to take his shot, she blew in his ear. His pool cue hit the table instead of the ball.

    "Too bad. You scratch." Faith stated.

    "That's no fair. You saw that in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves!" Xander replied.

    "If it works it works." Faith shrugged, "And I'm getting bored. Let's go sit down and maybe I'll get you a drink."

    "But I'm not twenty one." Xander replied.

    "And you think I am?" Faith asked, "You think Spike is?"

    "Well, no." Xander replied, "How do you do it?"

    "Easy. I just threaten to have my dad shut down the bar on health code violations." 

    "What? Your dad's the health inspector?"

    "Nope. Just the Mayor."

    Xander stopped and just mused that for a second.

    "By Odin's beard."

    He'd seen this girl before. Up on the podium when Wilkins went for reelection! His parents were staunch Wilkins supporters and he'd gone to some of the rallies for his campaign. He realized he had seen Faith up there with him! Only then, her hair was neat and pulled back, she was wearing clothes that you'd normally go to church in, and she in no way resembled the super skank that was in front of him. It was mind-blowing.

    Xander just shrugged and went with it.

    "Willow!" Buffy shouted at her friend.

    Willow turned and put the dress back on the rack.

    "Huh? What? I wasn't shoplifting!" Willow replied, "Ignore that last part. I've been guilty ever since I ate a grape at the grocery store without paying when I was nine."

    Buffy smirked.

    "What is it?" Willow asked.

    "Well, remember how we came here to get you a new image?" Buffy asked.

    "We're still doing that right? I mean I'm not chickening out or anything." Willow replied, getting a look from Buffy, "Uh yes?"

    "Well check THIS out!" Buffy said, leading her around the display in the store.

    Willow's eyes went wide and her smile became huge. 

    "Wow. I may go for the lesbian plan anyway!" Willow stated, making Buffy give her a "huh?" look.

    There was Tara, looking shy and demure, in pumps, a short black skirt, with a burgundy silk blouse. Her hair was up and it actually looked like she was wearing makeup. Tara smiled slightly and looked down again, blushing horribly.

    "I feel out of place." She said.

    "She looks way hot!" Buffy replied.

    "She looks like….that was my Halloween costume." Willow said to Buffy.

    "Yeah I know. I wondered how she would look in it, so we hit as many stores as we could and voila!" Buffy laughed. She enjoyed days like this. This was like how it was in L.A. before the unpleasantness.

    "I'm n-not sure it's m-me." Tara replied, shyly, still looking down, "I tried to tell her we have to return this, but she j-just wouldn't listen."

    "Eh. Let me spend my money on causes I think are worthwhile." Buffy smirked.

    "You look great Tara. I mean really." Willow replied.

    Tara smiled again briefly before resuming looking at her new, flattering shoes.

    "We n-need to take these b-back. I c-can't go home like this." Tara explained.

    "Why not?" Buffy asked.

    "My dad." Tara said quietly.

    "Your dad would…what?" Willow asked.

    "He wouldn't like it."

    "Well, I would hope not. He would look slightly goofy in all this I think." Buffy stated, "It's not for him. It's for you."

    "I c-can't accept it Buffy." Tara replied.

    Buffy sighed.

    "I toiled for months at the Doublemeat Palace to earn enough money to go shopping and I'm just doing my good deed for the year." Buffy explained, "I just want to help."

    "I k-know but you should focus on Willow and not me." Tara replied.

    "Speaking of focusing…" Willow said pointing at some guys walking by the front of the store, staring.

    Buffy had a knowing smirk.

    "W-What are they looking at?" Tara asked, fearfully, "Do I look revolting? Is something s-showing?"

    "Oh they're looking at you, but it's safe to say it's not a revolting look." Buffy laughed. 

    "They're totally blinded by the hotness of you." Willow said, hugging Tara slightly.

    "Abwha?" Tara asked in confusion.

    "Yep. They think you're hot." Buffy said, "In fact I can tell what they're thinking. Look at those three girls over there. MMM Three hotties in all, but that taller blonde in the middle is scrumptious."

    "Or at least something to that effect." Willow added.

    "And if you add Willow's reaction, safe to say there are girls checking you out too." Buffy added. 

    Willow elbowed Buffy.

    "Are you sure?" Tara said in a hushed tone.

    "Yeah. It's California. We're pretty open-minded." Willow nodded, still elbowing Buffy. 

    Tara stood there thinking.

    "Well, maybe I could accept it. I mean, you did buy it for me. That was really nice. You didn't have to." Tara compromised, "And maybe my dad doesn't have to know about it. I can change back into my old clothes before I go home."

    "She's coming over to the Dark Side." Buffy smirked.

    "About time. I was getting lonely being the only there." Willow said.

    Tara was full on glowing as she was smiling.

    "Yes. I'm going to wear this because I look good in it. Yes, I'm going to walk around this store and let anyone who wants to leer at me, leer at me." Tara smiled taking a step forward.

    She fell into a heap on the floor. A moment later she shot up.

    "Just as soon as I get the hang of walking in high heels."

    Xander sat down in the booth by Spike.

    "Dude! That Faith chick is the Mayor's daughter!" Xander exclaimed.

    "Wow. Really. She is?" Spike asked, sounding completely disinterested. 

    "You already know huh?" Xander asked.

    "Who? Me? No. Of course not." Spike replied, monotone, "Of course I know you git. Haven't you ever heard about preacher's daughters?"

    "He's a preacher too?"

    "Shut up. Just shut up." Spike groaned, "Preacher's daughters are always the wild ones. It's a bloody universal constant. They're sweet on the outside but hellcats on the inside."

    "Oh." Xander said, "Does that apply to Rabbi's daughters too? Because I have a friend-"

    Xander was slapped in the back of the head.

    "OW! Hey jerk what's your-" 

    Xander turned and beheld the most evil being in existence standing right behind him. He froze up and gritted his teeth.

    "—Problem?"

    "So this is the mark?" Angel asked Spike.

    Spike shot him a deadly look and made motions for him to nix it. 

    "Not Mark, Xander. Jeez you'd think you'd remember someone you picked on for years." Xander said under his breath.

    "He picked on you?" Spike asked, picking up that last bit. 

    "Yeah." Xander replied.

    "Possibly." Angel said as he sat down, "I did that to a lot of people."

    "You were a senior when I was a freshman." Xander said quietly, "You gave me swirlies."

    "Swirlies…is that when you put their head in the toilet?" Spike asked.

    Angel burst out laughing.

    "OH MY GOD! HYENA BOY!" Angel began laughing hysterically, "Alright! Man! It's been years!"

    "Hyena Boy?" Spike asked, arching an eyebrow at how undeniably weird these two were.

    Xander hung his head in silence, trying to keep from turning seven feet tall and bright green.

    "Yeah because he laughed like a hyena! Oh man! That was beautiful!" Angel continued to laugh, "You see he like…a head full of hair back then! It was beautiful when you'd give the guy a swirlie!"

    Xander nodded, trying to stay calm.

    "Yeah." He said. 

    "Then there was the time that he was skateboarding to school and I tackled his ass right off and onto the sidewalk!" Angel laughed, slapping his knee. 

    "So ended my Tony Hawk phase." Xander mumbled.

    "Then, THEN, I stuck a firecracker in his locker and set it off!" Angel howled, "He got suspended for a week!"

    "That was you?!" Xander looked up, surprised.

    Angel nodded and slapped Xander on the back.

    "Good times man! Good times!" Angel laughed drunkenly, "How I've missed you!"

    Spike smirked and chuckled himself. Xander's look of shock faded and he began to smile. He too began to chuckle, then he laughed loudly. 

    "Oh my God! There's the laugh!" Angel shouted.

    "Yeah!" Xander replied, "Yeah man! Good times! Hey remember that time that you threw me over one of the tables in the cafeteria for crushing on that Darla chick you used to date?" 

    "No…wait….YEAH!" Angel laughed again. 

    "Yeah. That was sweet!" Xander laughed, "And the time that you knocked my books out of my hand and when I bent down to pick them up, you kicked me right in the ass?"

    "YEAH! Oh man, that was sweet!" Angel said.

    "Then there was the time that I dumped a whole beer on your head, royally screwing up that super-styled hairdo you have!" Xander said.

    Angel laughed, then paused.

    "Wait…no." he pondered.

    Xander took Angel's mug of beer and poured it right on his head. He then smiled back to Spike, who sat there aghast. Xander's smile faded as Spike scooted away. Xander turned back to Angel and could swear he saw the bigger man's eyes turn yellow. Then he was somehow flying. He crashed to a heap on the floor. 

    "Yeah." He groaned, "That brings back memories of the cafeteria."

    Angel hauled Xander up by the shirt and violently punched him in the stomach, doubling him over. Angel then pushed him hard into the barstool next to the one that Faith sat in. 

    "Wouldn't be the Tank without a fight every night." She said, as she got up.

    Xander stood shakily and mulled his options. Getting punched in the face suddenly made him stop mulling. He pretty much made with the falling. 

    "Bloody hell, Angel's a mean drunk." Spike mused as he watched. 

    "Get up, Hyena Boy!" Angel growled. 

    Xander stood shakily. 

    "I'm…I'm sorry?" Xander asked, hopefully.

    A hit to the face made him fall back. 

    "Not yet. But soon." Angel said, hauling him up again and hitting him. 

    Xander stumbled into the pool table and collapsed halfway over it. He could hear Angel skulking towards him from behind. He was very much screwed if things kept going the way they were. He felt Angel's hand grip the back of his neck. 

    He had to do something lest he lose his permanent teeth…well….more of them. Xander again mulled his options, of course he was prepared for the mulling to come to a sudden and very painful stop. That's when he felt his fingers wrap around the pull cue. Xander saw his one chance at walking out of here tonight. And he took it. 

    With all of his might, he turned and swung the pool cue into Angel's mid section. Angel let out a howl of pain as the stick nailed him in the stomach. He let go of Xander's neck and doubled over. Xander then grabbed him by the neck and hoisted him up. He looked at Spike. 

    "Stay calm and then let it all out right?" Xander asked, before balling his fist and letting Angel have it with everything he had. 

    Angel spun, and blood flew from his lip and nose. He groaned in pain. Xander frantically shook the pain from his hand and smiled at the blow he had struck. He'd fought back against the guy who was even worse than Jack O'Toole! He hit him and made him bleed! He'd hit him and…

WHAM!

    …made him very angry.

    Xander dropped like a ton of bricks, completely out cold. Angel held his nose and mouth, looking at the blood flowing off of them. He turned to Spike.

    "He actually hits hard!" Angel said in surprise, "I'll be damned but he hits hard!"

    "Will wonders never cease?" Spike said, walking over beside Angel and looking down at the unconscious Xander. 

    "He could be halfway decent in the ring." Angel mused. 

    "You want to take him to Holtz?" Spike asked, incredulously.

    "Hell no. He hates me. You take him. I want beer." Angel said, before a sad look went over his face. 

    Spike sighed.

    "Damn it, you're not going to feel sorry for this too are you?" Spike asked.

    "Yeah. I'm going to hate myself for this come tomorrow." Angel replied. 

    "Bloody billowy coated king of pain." Spike said, rolling his eyes.

    "At least I try to atone for things I've done." Angel said, before heading towards the bar.  

    Spike stared down at Xander. 

    "I'm trying." Spike said, before he looked up and turned to Angel, a mocking look on his face. 

    " And who the hell says "atone" anymore?"        


	5. All Teenagers Are Insane

Well, finally I got a new chapter of this up. Bout time huh?

Hopefully it's up to snuff; little shorter than I would have liked.

And nope, this isn't a Xander/Spike slash fic. Not that I'm anti-gay because…well if you read most of my other stories you'll see I like Willow and Tara together (and to a lesser degree, with Kennedy). I just don't think I could write a Xander/Spike relationship. Granted, I can write Riley/Tara (and that is admittedly a weird choice) but they're at least somewhat similar in personality and I could see them getting along. Not so with Xander and Spike.

And will it be Spuffy? Well, never say never, but not at this time.

Monday

    School. I hate school. Ms. Calendar says we have a computer test Friday. Why'd I take this course again? Oh yeah, my best friend's a computer nut. Eh. I'll copy off her. Lunch is uneventful. Another volley is fired at me by the spawn of evil: Cordelia. At least wrestling's on tonight.

Tuesday

    Wrestling was cool last night. So cool in fact that the SWF (Sunnydale Wrestling Federation) is back. Commando Kill (moi) squashed Jesse the Body again. Still I have to tell Jesse that Jesse Ventura already has the Body copyrighted.  Plus he's a lot bigger. Oh well, Willow wants to meet to study later.

Wednesday

    How did studying go? Well other than wondering how that Tara chick is super shy and all covered up at school and yet dressing like Cordy at Willow's house, I made a paper plane out of a sheet of notebook paper. Willow just rolled her eyes. I told her it was origami. Anywho, today was pretty uneventful. I often wonder how Ms. Calendar is so f'n hot. I mean she looks like she should be in a music video dancing around Prince or something and here she is going on about binary code. In a bikini.

    Okay that last part was just in my mind.

Thursday

    Am I studying? No, I'm Bronzing! What? Willow's here too trying in vain to get me to study. Buffy's here too, but she's like staring off into space. A well meant poke snapped her out of it though. Seems like Tara's becoming a part of our little group now. Not that I mind. Having a third hot girl is cool by me. It's weird because she and Willow are dressing more like Buffy here at the Bronze. Makes me wonder if Willow begged the Buffster for help fashion-wise again. Eh, more flesh I see the better it gets. Jesse's been checking out Tara for the last five minutes. Except Tara's been watching the dance floor. I think she's trying to check out Riley of all people. Now that's just weird people. That kind of coupling could only happen on the Net. And I don't envy being around when Buffy finds out about this. Hoo boy!

Friday

    Well the test from hell came and went. No F for me. No, no, D minus all the way baby! Gotta scrounge up some cash for tonight. Also have to come up with a convincing cover story so I can get out of Bronzing. Last week I wasn't feeling too well. This week I'll try my hand at studying. And I will be. Just not for improving my computer skills after my "crushing" test. Willow ought to buy that. I don't like lying to her or any of the others. But they wouldn't understand. They just wouldn't.

    WHAM!

    Xander hit the mat hard and quickly reasoned it was much harder than his backyard wrestling ring was. Ouch. Needless to say out. Still he managed to smile up at the imposing man above him.

    "Wipe that smile off of your face. You're getting beaten by an old man." Holtz practically growled.

    "That IS pretty funny though." Spike said, leaning on the ring ropes.

    "Not a word William." Holtz said not even looking at him.

    "Right then." Spike shut up.

    Xander was impressed.

    "You made Spike shut up!" Xander shouted.

    "You can feel free to shut up too." Holtz replied.

    Spike snickered at that.

    "William." Came Holtz's warning.

    Xander managed to find his way back to his feet and put his mouthpiece in.

    "Now stand like I taught you." Holtz said to him.

    Xander spread his feet, equally distributing his weight.

    "Hands up."

    Xander's hands went up; almost face level.

    "Head down."

    Xander crouched a little.

    "Right." Holtz ordered.

    Xander threw a right hand. It hit Holtz's left glove as he held his hand up.

    "Left."

    Xander threw a left, hitting his right glove.

    "Left."

    Xander repeated himself.

    "Right."

    Another right hand.

    "Left."

    Xander began to throw his left again, which is when Holtz threw a right hand at him. However, Xander deftly avoided it moving back from the punch. Holtz smiled. Even Spike managed one.

    "Good. You're learning." Holtz said, "Maybe I'm not wasting my time after all."

    Xander smiled and got popped right in face for his trouble.

    "On the other hand perhaps I am." Holtz replied.

    Xander spit out his mouthpiece.

    "Man what's your problem?!" Xander shouted.

    "My problem is you're not paying attention. You hit hard enough boy and you can take a punch better than I would have thought. But you're not learning fast enough. And you have yet to lay a hand on me other than my gloves." Holtz replied, "If you want to part from your money and waste Spike's time, then by all means do it. But my time is precious and I have better things to do than teach an idiot how to fight."

    Xander looked down.

    "Look at me when I'm talking to you, you little piece of shit." Holtz said.

    Xander looked up, a little angry.

    "Left." Holtz ordered.

    Xander threw a left.

    "Right."

    A right.

    "Left."

    Another left.

    "Right."

    Xander threw a right, avoided Holtz's punch and nailed him in the ribs. Holtz backed away in pain. He glared at Xander and then smiled again.

    "Much better." Holtz smirked.

    "That guy's got a weird sense of motivation." Xander said, changing back into his street clothes and sitting down on a bench in back.

    "That he does. Gets ya pissed though." Spike added.

    "Yeah, calling someone a piece of shit tends to do that. Call me crazy." Xander said.

    Spike smirked, "Well yeah. You gotta want to hit something before you hit it. I was getting to thinking you got off on being his punching bag."

    "Anything but." Xander said, pulling out his wallet, "Here's your fee."

    Spike accepted the dollar bills greedily.

    "You don't give up on this soon, you're gonna be broke." Spike replied.

    "Eh, maybe Mr. Holtz will let me sweep up the gym and clean stuff. Except ya know, he might hit me with a broom when I'm not sweeping the right way." Xander stated.

    Spike nearly snorted in amazement.

    "You're really serious about this aren't you?" Spike said.

    "Yeah, I am." Xander groaned, rubbing his nose, "I think it's broken."

    "Doubtful." Spike replied, "Why you so obsessed with becoming Stallone?"

    "I was thinking more of a Colin Farrell myself." Xander replied, standing.

    "No, seriously. I wanna know." Spike said.

    Xander sighed and walked out towards the gym and stared at the body bag hanging from the ceiling. He punched it.

    "You ever get tired of who you are? I mean like you can't stand being you?" Xander asked.

    "Nope." Spike replied.

    "Well I do. I'm like that." Xander said.

    "Oh?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.

    "Yeah. Kind of bland, no real personality to me. I feel that way. Like I'm not really much of anybody. I just want to change me." Xander explained.

    "So you come and pay someone who doesn't give two shits 'bout you to change yourself? Right. And I thought I was fucked up." Spike rolled his eyes.

    "Hey, at least you're honest about me." Xander said, "My friends would just be all "you don't have to change". Which is BS because I do need to. I mean if anybody would know, I would right?"

    Spike shrugged, "Whatever."

    Xander nodded, "Yeah, whatever."

    Xander just walked along and stared at the wall filled with posters.

    "Whoa." Xander said.

    Spike smirked.

    "Yeah."

    They were old boxing posters under glass. And they featured a young man with a belt on his shoulder. Xander was surprised, but not really too surprised, when he read the name of the young man on the poster "Daniel "the Hunter" Holtz".

    "Should have figured this guy used to box." Xander said.

    "Yeah, was a helluva scrapper too. Light heavyweight. They called him the Hunter cause he'd pursue his opponents all over the ring. He even wanted a throw down with a heavyweight guy from the Middle East name of…Sadjhan I think." Spike said.

    "He ever get him?" Xander asked.

    "Not in the ring. Boxing committee'd never let a light heavyweight fight a heavyweight. They'd be afraid Holtz would get destroyed. So Holtz decided to try and get him outside the ring. Challenged him to a fight in an alley." Spike explained.

    "How'd it go?" Xander asked.

    "Holtz got destroyed." Spike shrugged, "Good big man beats a good little man any day of the week."

    "You beat Jack's big lug in the alley." Xander said.

    "Yeah well I was also packing something long, hard, and made of metal now wasn't I?" Spike said, "You insinuating I'm small?"

    "NO!" Xander said, begging off, "Just ya know…smaller."

    Spike grunted in agreement, "Come on. Place is closing up."

    "We still going…uh drinking?" Xander said.

    "Yep." Spike said before smirking, "Faith will be there."

    "And suddenly I'm jonesing for alcohol." Xander said.

    "Keep it in your pants, we gotta pick up Angel first. God knows he can't go without alcohol for five minutes." Spike explained.

    "Great, just when I thought life couldn't get any worse we have to pick up the Billowly Coated King of Pain." Xander sighed.

    Spike gave him a look.

    "I came up with that on my own." Xander replied.

    "Works for me." Spike said.

    "Why is he so moody anyway?" Xander asked, "I mean one minute he's laughing, the next he's angry, then he's crying. He wasn't like that in high school. He was just angry then."

    "Eh. He's made some shitty choices." Spike replied.

    "Like?" Xander asked.

    "Like fucking his boxing trainer's wife." Spike explained.

    Xander let that sink in.

    "Oh shit! You mean him…and Mrs. Holtz and…they were…?" Xander stammered.

    "Yep. Course that's just one thing." Spike replied.

    "What else?" Xander asked intrigued.

    "Not telling you."

    "Why not?"

    "'Cause it ain't my place, mate. He wants to tell you, he'll tell you." Spike said.

    "But you just told me.."

    "Yeah, so you know never to mention him in front of Holtz unless you want to die." Spike replied, "Now would you PLEASE shut up and come on?"

    "Yeah. Sure." Xander said, following.

    Spike shrugged and craved a cigarette. This ponce was annoying as hell. He didn't understand that everybody had their demons inside them; whether said demon was a craving for cigs, too much booze, or…or killing someone.

    "It's just not the same without Xander." Willow pouted.

    "Yeah." Jesse added, "Where are the insults?"

    "The absurdity." Buffy contributed.

    "The hotness." Willow said.

    "The hotness." Jesse added, "Wait! EW!"

    "Is there something you're not telling us?" Buffy asked.

    "Yuck it up bottle blonde." Jesse smirked.

    "I'll have you know this is natural!" Buffy said, a little angry but still smiling.

    "So why was it brown when you first came here?" Jesse asked.

    "…Shut up." Buffy replied.

    "Is he avoiding me…I mean us?" Willow asked.

    "He's up to something. My idiot sense is tingling." Jesse said.

    "Think he went back to the Fish Tank?" Buffy asked.

    "Could be." Jesse added.

    "Is he that stupid?" Buffy asked.

    "Oh God…..it's because I'm fat! I'm a fat, bloaty, whale!" Willow babbled.

    "If anyone's that stupid it's Xander. Are we forgetting that time in the cafeteria?" Jesse asked

    Two years ago

_    "Soylent Green is people!" Xander shouted running out of the lunch line, "Soylent Green is people! Ahahahahaha!"_

_    "I gave up being popular for this?" Buffy mused._

    "Okay, I see your point." Buffy nodded.

    "I'm Shamu! Oh God I'm Shamu!" Willow cried, laying her face down on the table.

    Buffy and Jesse looked at Willow and each scooted away a little.

    "I thought you guys said he was studying." Tara finally joined the conversation, as if very far away.

    "Yeah, as if." Buffy said, "What are you looking at?"

    "Nothing." Tara said wistfully.

    Buffy followed her line of sight and saw it was directed at Riley. Her eyes went wide.

    "No, no, no, no, no!" Buffy said aloud.

    "Huh?" Jesse asked confused.

    "Uh…nothing." Buffy said.  _  
    _"I'M A FREAK! OH GOD I'M A FREAK!" Willow said, sitting up and screaming.

    "At least she's admitting it now." Glory said to Anya as they passed the table.

    "There…there…" Tara said, reaching out for Willow as she kept staring at Riley on the dance floor.

    "Uh…Tara?" Buffy said, wide eyed.

    "Mmm?" Tara asked, turning.

    Her eyes met Buffy's confusedly and followed them to where her hand rested….on Willow's breast. Tara just shrugged and pulled away.

    "I'm comfortable with my sexuality." Tara said, turning away.

    "One, that was SO COOL!" Jesse said, "Two, she's a lot more confident now."

    "Ya think?" Buffy said, still not liking that Tara was looking at Riley. That way only led to trouble.

    "Maybe we should give Xander a call?" Jesse asked.

    "Yeah, cause this night is going straight to hell." Buffy sighed, reaching into her purse for her cell phone.

    "S-Sooner than antici-tici-anticipated." Tara said, suddenly stuttering and turning very white.

    Buffy, Jesse, and even a calmed Willow, peeked out to look where Tara was staring.

    "What's wrong Tara? I thought you were okay with the Bronze now?" Willow asked.

    "Oh…the B-Bronze is okay. My b-brother being h-here on the oth-other hand isn't." Tara swallowed.

    "Why's that so bad?" Buffy asked.

    "'Cause it's s-sinful." Tara said, "And if he t-tells my d-dad I'm here and not at W-Willow's…"

    "Say no more. This looks like a job for…" Jesse began, "Well Buffy."

    "Thanks a million." Buffy said, "Where is he?"

    "B-By the stairs. That's Donnie." Tara said, only looking from the corner of her eye, "O-Oh no. He looked over this way."

    Sure enough, a scraggly young man with an unkempt beard was looking over towards them.

    "Okay, we start moving her." Buffy said, "Jesse and I will run interference."

    "Yeah we'll….what?" Jesse asked as he was yanked up.

    "Come on!" Buffy said, "Jesse, pull around back."

    "Uh…right!" Jesse said, heading for the door.

    "Start moving." Buffy said to Willow and Tara.

    Willow and Tara shot up and started moving for the door. Tara's brother Donnie seemed to catch sight of them and headed in that direction. That's when Buffy hoped those drama classes paid off.

    "Whoa!" Buffy said, stumbling into him.

    "Excuse me." Donnie said, trying to push past her.

    "Where you going handsome?" Buffy slurred, trying to sound drunk, "Party's this way."

    Donnie paid her no mind and tried move past her.

    "Did anyone tell you, you have the prett-HICK-iest eyes?" Buffy asked.

    "Really?" Donnie asked, before shaking it off and trying to move past her.

    "Wait! You give my life meaning!" Buffy said, trying to hold onto his coat.

    "I'm sorry, but I've got to go." Donnie said, wrenching it free.

    "Don't you want my number?" Buffy slurred loudly.

    Donnie just stalked off where he last thought he saw his sister go.

    "Rats." Buffy sighed.

    Willow peeked out of the crowd on the dance floor. She began to immediately freak out.

    "He's coming!" Willow turned back to Tara.

    "O-oh m-m-my…SCREW IT!" Tara said loudly.

    "I don't think we can make it around back without him seeing us. You might be able to by yourself. But you need a distraction." Willow said.

    "W-What k-kind…just do it." She sighed.

    Willow nodded and smiled before taking a step and falling down.

    "MY LEG! OW! OH MY LEG!" Willow said, bursting into tears.

    Tara just stood there dumbfounded. She sounded like she was really in pain. A crowd began to circle Willow, blocking off Donnie's view and impeding his progress.

    "Are you okay?" a man knelt down by Willow.

    "My leg. It just hurts really bad!" Willow said still crying.

    "Okay, my name's Ben. Where's it hurt?" he asked.

    "My ankle. Oh God! It hurts." Willow sniffled, before looking at Tara a little frustrated.

    Tara got the hint and started heading for the back. She ran into the last person she needed to.

    "Hey." Riley smiled at Tara.

    Well second to last.

    "H-Hey." Tara stammered.

    "Where you running off to?" Riley asked.

    "Just off." Tara replied.

    "OH THE PAIN! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!" Willow's voice shouted.

    "Is that Willow Rosenberg?" Riley squinted.

    "Yeah! She fell and.." Tara said.

    "Is she okay?" Riley said, heading for the crowd.

    "Yes!" Tara shouted, gripping Riley's hand and pulling him back to shield herself from Donnie's prying eyes.

    "Uh are you sure? She sounds like she's in pain." Riley said.

    "My ankle! Oh God my ankle!" Willow shouted.

    "It's an act…it's h-hard to explain." Tara said.

    "You guys in trouble?" Riley asked, "Is someone bothering you?"

    "Kind of…" Tara said, peeking out from behind Riley and seeing Donnie close.

    She surprised herself by pulling Riley closer and putting her head against his chest. Riley was also surprised by it but if he wanted to pry her off, he was doing a pretty piss-poor job. He just stood there and swayed with her for a moment. Donnie looked around and finally passed by them.

    "S-Sorry." Tara said, pushing away a little as Donnie passed.

    "No problem." Riley replied, "Anytime."

    Tara found herself blushing and looking down at her feet again. Her shoes were nice. Slowly her face was craned up by Riley.

    "Hey, don't be embarrassed. It's okay." Riley smiled.

    Tara felt a tugging and found her face moving towards Riley's.  Riley's apparently felt the same.

    "AHEM!"

    Tara and Riley turned to see Buffy standing there, arms crossed.

    "B-Buffy…we were—" Tara stammered.

    "Yes, you were." Buffy admonished.

    "It's my fault." Riley said.

    "Probably." Buffy said, glaring at Riley, "Tara come on."

    Buffy gripped Tara by the arm harder then the girl expected. She was dragged off, leaving Riley to stare at them as they went. He just shrugged and turned away towards the crowd surrounding Willow. Which immediately parted, allowing Willow to scamper past them.

    "Thanks Ben! My foot's a lot better now! Really! Hi Riley!" Willow said as she zoomed off at hyper speed.

    Riley lifted a finger to reply but stopped himself.

    "No, no I don't even want to know." Riley shrugged.

    Willow caught up to Buffy and Tara and pushed them along.

    "Come on! Come on!" Willow shouted.

    "Cut down on the decaf, Wills!" Buffy shouted.

    "He's spotted us again! Go, go, go!" Willow said, pushing them along past the stage entrance.

    There was a guy sitting there strumming a guitar as they passed. He barely paid them any attention. He just kept strumming. Then Donnie came running in.

    "Can't go back there." The guy said.

    "Huh?" Donnie asked.

    "Stage entrance. For stage people." The guy replied, not looking up.

    "But I just saw girls come back here." Donnie said.

    "Groupies." The guy replied.

    "You sure?" Donnie asked.

    "Pretty sure." The guy said again.

    Donnie just stood there puzzled.

    "You a groupie stalker?" the guy asked.

    "What?" Donnie asked.

    "Just a question."

    "Uh…no."

    "Okay."

    "Uh…Okay."

    "Why you back here?"

    "There were these girls.."

    "Groupies."

    "Groupies, that came back here."

    "So you followed them?"

    "Yes."

    "So you're a groupie stalker."

    "No!"

    "Then why are you here?"

    "I…I'll be going now." Donnie said, walking back out into the Bronze. Maybe he made a mistake.

    The guy kept strumming his guitar.

    "He's gone now." He said.

    The girls poked their heads out.

    "Oh my God, thanks." Buffy said.

    "It's cool." The guy replied.

    "There a back door anywhere near here?" Buffy asked again.

    "Yeah, down the hall, on the right." The guy replied.

    "Thanks! Come on Tara!" Buffy said, ushering the girl along.

    Willow began to follow them, but stopped.

    "Thanks again." She said.

    "It's cool." The guy replied.

    "You didn't have to do that." Willow said.

    "Nope." The guy replied.

    "Why did you?" Willow asked.

    "Seemed like the thing to do." The guy shrugged looking up.

    "I appreciate it." Willow said, suddenly realizing he was kind of cute.

    "It's cool." He grinned.

    "You keep saying that."

    "'Cause it's cool." He grinned.

    "WILLOW! COME ON! JESSE'S HERE!" Buffy's voice came shouting back.

    "I have to go." Willow said, backing up slightly.

    "Gotta go sometime." He replied.

    "My name's Willow. Maybe I'll see you around." Willow said.

    "Play here every weekend." The guy replied, "Oz."

    "Your band?" Willow asked.

    "No, I'm Oz." he replied.

    "Oh. Cool." Willow grinned.

    "See, told you it was cool." Oz replied.

    "WILLOW NOW!" Buffy shouted.

    Willow took off running at that, but still waved.

    "Bye!" Willow shouted.

    "Don't let the man get ya down." Oz replied, before going back to strumming.

    She was hot. That was cool.


	6. Insaner, is that a word?

"That was close. T-too close." Tara stuttered in the back seat.

"It's okay. You're with us. It's no big." Buffy said, reassuringly beside her.

"No big? No big?! Buffy, her brother's going to tell her father what he saw! Then he's going to get her into trouble! When she gets into trouble, she won't be able to hang out with us again, and then he'll probably do something anachronistic like ship her to a convent in the South Pacific! She'll have to become a nun against her will and we'll never see her again and then I'll have it all on my head because we got her to dress up and she only did it because I wanted to change my image for Xander and—"

"Wills! You're scaring her!" Buffy shouted.

"Y-Yes…please stop." Tara said, visibly paling.

"Sorry. I don't handle the adrenaline well." Willow admitted.

"Are you sure he got a good look at you?" Jesse finally offered from the driver's seat.

"I don't know. M-maybe." Tara said, still petrified, "He might call our dad and then…c-c-convent."

"I think I have the solution." Willow said, digging into her purse, "Aha! Use my cell phone!"

"H-huh?" Tara asked.

"It's simple. We call from my cell phone and say that we're going to…ummm---help me out here!" Willow said.

"Movies." Jesse said.

"Ice cream." Buffy added.

"Movies and ice cream." Jesse summed up.

"Wouldn't that be lying?" Tara asked.

"---Not if we really get movies and ice cream." Buffy reasoned, "Jesse, Blockbuster then Baskin Robbins, step on it!"

"Aye, aye Mon Capitan." Jesse saluted in the rear view.

"See? No lying. Not a single lie." Buffy said, "Trust me. This is the lesser of two evils."

"O-okay." Tara said, starting to dial the phone, "Hey d-daddy? It's Tara—"

"Ya know, in retrospect it's probably a good thing Xander isn't around tonight. I'm not so sure we could have pulled that great escape back there if he was around." Jesse said.

"Yeah." Willow sighed, "He'd probably say something about pulling out his manly chin hairs or something."

"—okay daddy, I'll b-be home in an hour." Tara concluded, "Bye!"

"He buy it?" Buffy asked.

"Totally." Tara smiled.

"And hey, no stuttering." Buffy smiled back, "Oh damn we are good. We're like the…Fantastic Four…plus one. Fantastic Five."

"Yeah, but we're missing one, Buff." Jesse explained.

"Yeah." Willow sighed exasperatedly, "I wish we knew where Xander was."

Buffy laughed.

"You know what? I'll bet he's at his house watching one of those bad monster movies from the sixties. What? Uh, Godzilla vs. Dracula or something." Buffy said.

"T-They made a Godzilla vs. Dracula?" Tara asked.

"No, but needless to say that would be the most badass movie of all time." Jesse laughed, "Hey! Maybe he went to the Fish Tank again?!"

Everyone in the car laughed.

"I b-bet he's back at the Bronze w-wondering where everyone is." Tara said, getting her jab in.

Willow laughed, and wiped a tear away from her eye.

"Wait! I got one! I got one! He…went to the Fish Tank again."

"Actually, Wills, I said that one." Jesse replied.

"No! He went to the Fish Tank again!" Willow said, pointing to the bar they were rapidly passing.

Xander and two other men were walking up to it, laughing.

"What the hey?" Buffy asked.

"Stop the car." Willow said under her breath.

"Are we sure it was even him?" Jesse asked.

"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"

Jesse slammed on the brakes and smoke billowed from the squealing tires.

"Ow."

"Ow."

"Ow."

"Sorry guys." Jesse apologized.

* * *

"Hey X-Man, glad to see you came back." Faith said, "I always love it when a guy comes……back."

"Well, I—"

"Stay away from that one, Hyena Boy. She'll eat you alive and spit out your bones." Angel whispered into Xander's ear before slapping him on the shoulder.

"Anything you want to share with the rest of the class, Angel?" Faith asked.

"Just warnin' the lad of your sparklin' reputation, darlin'." Angel replied.

"Aww, that's sweet. Get bent." Faith shot back.

"No…no…get drunk." Angel said, headed for the bar.

"I think he's a few sheets to the wind already." Xander whispered to Spike.

"Oh this is nothin'. Wait till he starts to puke. That's when the fun really begins." Spike said.

The scary thing is that Xander couldn't tell if Spike was being sarcastic or not. A squeal snapped Xander out of her pondering thought. He turned and saw a girl that could only be described as a goth goddess tackling and practically devouring Spike's mouth. He couldn't help but take in the short, but seemingly formal dress she was wearing. Xander's eyes widened when Spike lifted her leg and he saw that she was wearing black stockings with a garter belt. Honest to God, a garter belt. Spike and the girl's faces pulled apart and Xander could see that the girl practically layered black and white makeup on herself. Spike pushed her long black locks out of her face, and Xander saw those eyes.

"Xander, this is Drusilla." Spike said, with pride. He also said it as he groped her assets very hard.

"Naughty dog. Rufff." Dru said to Spike, before looking at Xander, "Do you like daisies? I plant them but they die. Everything I touch always withers and dies."

"More of a daffodil guy myself." Xander replied.

"Oh, I like this one Spike. He's new and the moon whispers that he shall bring us riches." Drusilla purred.

"Uh Dru, we've known each other since kindergarten. I'm not really new." Xander said, raising his land slightly.

"Ruin all my fun." Dru said, dropping her accent and sticking out her tongue, "And I only said you're bringing us riches because you're paying Spike. OOH! I love this song! Faith, dance with me!"

Dru practically drug Faith onto the floor with her. They produced cat calls as they bumped and ground to a Nine Inch Nailz song.

"Just how many people have you told about me paying you?" Xander asked.

"Can't talk. Watching." Spike said, smirking at the show Faith and Dru were putting on.

"Okay." Xander said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"You know how I met her?" Spike asked, as if very far away.

"No, but it probably wasn't in kindergarten before she became Queen of the Damned." Xander said.

Spike just kept watching Drusilla on the dance floor.

"I was…I was walking down an alley not long after I got here at the end of last year. She found me. She walked right up to me and…and it's like she looked right into my soul. She said the right words. She hit the right buttons. Before I knew it I had the biggest hickey of my life on my neck. Ever since then I've worshipped the ground she walks on. Six months and she hasn't stopped surprising me. She's my destiny." Spike smiled.

"Nailed both of them." Angel mouthed as he returned with a drink.

Xander's eyes went large with shock.

He mouthed back, "You nailed Drusilla and Spike?!"

Angel rolled his eyes.

"Oh!" Xander mouthed, "Drusilla and Faith!"

Angel nodded and mouthed, "Yes dumbass!"

"It's entirely too quiet back there." Spike said turning around.

"Just drinkin'. Brought you one." Angel said, handing a beer to Spike.

"Cheers." Spike said, taking a drink, "What about you Harris? What's your excuse?"

"Oh just thinking about what Angel said about—" Xander started.

Angel shot a death glare at Xander from behind Spike and shook his head frantically.

"What Angel said about what?" Spike inquired.

"Uh…about how Faith….ummm—" Xander said.

Angel made a blowjob motion with his mouth and hand.

"—gives….head?" Xander asked.

"Uh huh." Spike said, turning to Angel.

Angel was perfectly stoic and calm.

"She uses her teeth too much." Angel nodded, before taking a drink.

"Right." Spike said before taking a drink from his beer, "Sod it! Let's have some fun!"

"Yeah!" Xander shouted, "I'm ready! I'm down with that! I'm—"

"ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS!"

"---so dead there's not even a word for it." Xander cringed before turning and spotting Willow, Tara, Buffy and Jesse a few feet away.

"Lavelle? What kind of sissy name is that?" Angel laughed.

"Yeah, it's almost as bad as Angel." Spike noted.

"Where do you come up with that stuff?" Angel asked.

"Just rolls off the tongue." Spike replied.

"Hey, what's going on?" Faith asked, walking up to the group.

"Yes, we heard a dreadful shout." Drusilla added, wrapping her arms around Spike's waist.

Xander stepped back, and his old friends and new…whatever they were…kind of faced off for a minute in confusion.

"My God, we've died and gone to Bizzarro World." Jesse said," Why is Bizarro Willow a guy with blonde hair?"

"Because he's our librarian boss's asshole of a nephew." Buffy spat.

"Hey William." Willow waved.

"Red, Slutty." Spike greeted.

"T-this is just one of those nights huh?" Tara asked.

"Wait a second, you guys know each other?" Xander asked.

"Kind of. We met at the Espresso Pump one night in the summer. Giles was singing Freebird." Willow reminisced. She even sighed a bit.

"Then Willy Idol here comes barging in and in a loud, surly kind of voice demands twenty bucks." Buffy relayed, smiling a combination of bitterness and gratification, "I thought he was trying to mug Giles so I kicked him."

Everyone looked at Buffy, enthralled.

"Well?" Jesse asked.

"Well what?" Buffy asked.

"Where did you kick him?" Jesse asked.

"Yeah…where?" Angel spoke up.

"It isn't important." Spike said suddenly.

"Right in his spike." Buffy smirked.

Silence and wincing abounded. Faith was the only one who smiled.

"Ya know….I like her. I really like her." Faith grinned.

"You wanna try again missy? Then be my guest." Spike said, gesturing.

"Tempting as that may be, we got other fish to fry." Buffy growled, eyes leveling at Xander, "Sic 'em Willow."

Willow marched up to Xander and unloaded the resolve face.

"You lied to me." Willow spat.

"Lie is such a harsh word Wills. Maybe bend the truth is more like—"

Willow's palm found Xander's face.

"Whoa…Wills….that's not what I had in mind." Buffy said, a little shocked, "I thought you were going to give him a stern talking to."

"Why? I've got nothing to say. He's been lying to us. He promised me he'd never come here again. I bet he's been doing it for a while now. Lying to us and ducking us to hang out with these scumbags." Willow said.

"You better watch who you're calling a scumbag, Red." Faith replied.

"Yes. Grrrrr." Dru added.

"And you two better back the hell up." Buffy said, stepping between the two girls and Willow.

"Bring it Barbie doll." Faith grinned.

"Whoa…whoa now girls….you're all pretty…no reason to fight." Angel said, trying to diffuse the situation, "Let's all sit down and have a drink. That solves everything."

Buffy glanced at Angel and felt déjà vu but dismissed it.

"Forget it Buffy. Let's just go." Willow sighed.

"Yeah….definitely." Jesse replied, dumbfounded.

"Uh. It was nice m-meeting you all." Tara waved before following Willow.

"Have you been drinking?" Buffy asked Xander.

"What are you? His mother?" Spike asked.

"Up yours." Buffy replied.

Dru hissed protectively.

"Oh bite m---nope….not going there. Xander, all I'm saying is that if you want to keep Willow as a friend then you'd better be clear upstairs." Buffy said.

"Buff….I—" Xander began, still shocked.

"She flew off the handle, but you lied to her. You lied to all of us. Willow takes that sort of thing really hard so you better get used to groveling for a while. Go home Xander and start calling her when you get there." Buffy ordered.

"She wouldn't understand." Xander said.

"You'd know wouldn't you?" Buffy said, walking for the door.

Angel watched her go and turned to the others and gave a thumbs up and following her.

"What a stupid ponce." Spike laughed, turning to Xander.

Xander wasn't laughing.

"I think I'm gonna go." Xander said.

"Oh come on. Don't let her get you bent out of shape." Faith chimed in, "Nothing but a fucking prude bitch anyway."

"Oh yes. Stay and have fun with us. It could be ever so delightful." Dru cooed.

Xander said nothing and walked away.

"Heh. Pussy." Faith added.

"Faith?" Spike said as he watched Xander.

"Yeah?"

"Shut the hell up."

* * *

Xander waited a few moments until he was sure that his friends (well hopefully they still were) had driven away and walked outside. Angel sat on the hood of a car smoking a cigarette.

"I think I'm in love." The older boy slurred.

"Great." Xander said offhandedly, not really paying much attention.

"Asked the little blonde for her number. She gave me this 'I wanna fuck you like an animal' look. Then she got in the car and left. Oooh. I'm gonna tap that." Angel laughed, "She's legal right?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Let's go to my apartment man and drink. Fuck this scene. No sense paying for it." Angel said.

"What'd you say?" Xander asked.

Angel cocked his head.

"You're more out of it than I am. Stop it. You're making me sober up." Angel replied.

"She slapped me." Xander mumbled, "She's never done that before. Man I really pissed her off."

"Redheads are fiery." Angel said.

"I didn't think it was a big deal. I mean…she's Willow. Good old reliable forgiving Willow." Xander stammered.

Angel flipped his cigarette away.

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure your little girlfriend will snap out of it sooner or later." Angel laughed.

"She's not my girlfriend." Xander responded.

"She's not?"

Xander shook his head.

"Huh. Could have sworn. Eh. Let's go drink." Angel said.

"Naw. I'm gonna go home."

"Suit yourself Hyena Boy. Put in a good word for me with the blonde…..provided you ever talk to any of them again." Angel said.

"Yeah."

* * *

A month later, Xander still hadn't talked to Willow. It wasn't for lack of trying either. He called her. He left her messages. He posted comments on her MySpace. She didn't bite, going so far as to ignore him in class. The others came around easily enough. Buffy didn't seem too awfully upset to begin with and Jesse and Tara were constantly asking for stories about the Fish Tank. Xander didn't feel like talking about them though and asked how Willow was doing. All he got for that was averted eyes and changing of the subject.

Yes Xander felt quite low indeed. Eyes to the floor, hair a mess (well more so), mismatched socks. It was because of these things that one day after school his life took yet another twist. It all started with a bump.

"Oh for the love of God! Watch where you're going!" Cordelia snarled.

"I'm sorry." Xander sighed, not wanting yet another black mark on his life.

He'd just been walking along, staring at the place Willow helped him pick for his parking spot and he careened into Cordy, who was apparently done with cheerleader practice.

"Well you should be." Cordy rolled her eyes, "What happened to you Harris? You look worse than usual. Your little Scooby club kick you out or something?"

"Scooby club?" Xander asked confused.

"Oh that's just what we call you." Cordy replied, "I mean jeez, get a clue. Get a bath too because you look pretty skuzzy."

"And I'd normally reply to that with a smart ass remark, but I'm not really in the mood right now Cordy." Xander said, zombie like.

Cordelia smirked triumphantly.

"Wow. You actually told a girl you weren't in the mood for a change. That has to be legendary." Cordy replied.

"Whatever." Xander said walking away.

"What's wrong Harris?! Willow not putting out?!!" Cordy laughed.

Xander stopped. He turned. He glared. She was alone. Good. Because she was about to get the absolute worst ego bruising of her life and he didn't need her snotty friends jumping in.

"Well you'd know all about putting out. I mean being Sunnydale High's biggest fucking whore." Xander replied with genuine anger.

"What?" Cordy replied.

If Xander hadn't been so pissed he would have noticed she wasn't her usual indignant self at that remark, but was actually taken back. Odds are he still wouldn't have cared.

"You heard me." Xander replied, taking a step towards her, "I mean let's be honest for a second here. Just how many STDs have you racked up? And not only that, how many times has your rich daddy bailed you out and taken you to that special clinic up the road? Ya know where they kinda undo the little mistakes you make when you spread your legs? And I'm not talking about the rash that won't go away."

"Wait…whoa…" Cordy began.

"No. No wait. No whoa. Just you, queen bitch slut of Sunnydale and me, the guy who's not taking your bullshit anymore. So let's get down to it. How many abortions have you had Cordy? I mean what with the unlimited cash flow Daddy brings home, you can afford, what? One per month?" Xander spat, "I guess people don't really matter when you can go buy nice sparkly pretty things."

Cordy turned and walked away.

"Where you going? We're having fun now aren't we?" Xander said walking after her, "Maybe you can just pay me to leave you alone? Still that probably wouldn't work. Unlike most people I can't be bought by you. Like all the friends you buy off. I mean who the hell would ever call a rich bitch asshole slut like Cordelia Chase their friend if they weren't getting paid? I mean really?"

Xander stepped in front of her and saw she had tears welling up. YES! He did it! He finally, REALLY did it!

"Tell me, just between us, how much do you pay them? I mean is like one big continuous rate or do they get a premium after they're your friend for so long?" Xander asked, "I mean it would have to be an ungodly rate just to get them to hang out with you. Who the fuck could put up with it? Am I right? Am I warm?!"

"Shut up!" Cordy screeched, tears freely falling, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! You don't know me! You don't know anything about me you fucking loser! Just shut up!"

Cordy dropped down to her knees, spilling her purse, crying and holding her hands to her face.

"Whoa." Xander replied.

If this weren't so incredibly bad it would have been the best moment of his life. Queen C on her knees crying. He should have felt great! He didn't.

"Uh…" Xander began, "Are you—"

"Shut up! Don't talk to me!" Cordy shouted, trying to wipe the tears away.

She started to pick up the items that spilled from her purse and didn't do a very good job, because every few seconds she brought her hands back to her face.

"I just….are you al—"

"Don't! Don't you dare ask me if I'm alright!" Cordy warned, "You don't care. So don't. Just don't."

"Look I didn't mean to…well I did…but…this….its not so fun now." Xander replied, crouching down, "Let me help."

She smacked at his hands as he reached for her compact.

"Don't!" Cordy glared, through glassy, wet eyes, "Don't! I don't need any help! Not from a MEAN little piece of shit like you!"

"I'm sorry." Xander said.

"No you're not. You're an asshole." Cordy said, wiping her tears.

"You were being pretty mean yourself. That's why I went nuts like that. And I'm sorry now." Xander said, "I didn't think that…well all this."

"Yeah. Whatever." Cordy said, looking down.

"If it'd make you feel better, you can hit me." Xander said.

Then he grabbed his nose.

"OW! Damn it! I didn't think you'd really do it!" Xander screamed.

Cordy laughed.

"You don't know me very well Harris." Cordy said, "And that did make me feel better."

"Well….good for you." Xander said, rubbing his nose.

Cordy sighed and breathed deep.

"I'm sorry too." She said after a moment, "For hitting you. And the me being a bitch thing."

"Don't worry. Anyone asks, I'll deny you actually said that." Xander stated.

"YOU BETTER!" Cordy replied, a little loud before getting up, "Later or whatever."

"Yeah." Xander called, "Later."

Cordy walked to her car and unlocked it and looked back at Xander. He was back to moping and walking along. She thought about running him down when he wasn't looking. Then decided against it.

A minute or so later, she roared up beside him.

"Get in." she said.

"Huh?" Xander asked.

"Get in. And don't make me repeat myself." Cordy replied.

"Is this….some kind of enemy….trick?" Xander said warily.

Cordy leaned over and opened the passenger side door.

"Get in." Cord said with a softened expression, "I need someone to talk to."

"Can't you like get Harmony or Glory for—right. Got ya." Xander said, getting her car.

The passenger door shut and the car peeled out.

* * *

A little while later, Xander found himself in uncharted territory.

"Wow. Britney." Xander said staring at the poster on Cordy's door.

"Yeah. I really need to take that down after that whole VMA thing." Cordy replied.

"I dunno. They should just leave her alone." Xander said.

Cordy laughed slightly.

"Why am I here?" Xander asked, looking completely perplexed.

"Is that you making some joke about life?" Cordy asked.

"No. Really. Why am I here?" Xander asked, "I mean…have we ever actually talked before in the like….twelve years we've known each other?"

Cordy began to speak.

"Other than a sarcastic remark here or there." Xander added.

Cordy stopped, "…No."

"What's going on?" Xander asked, "This is beyond a little weird. I'd say we've gone full blown Twilight Zone here."

Cordy shrugged and hugged a pillow.

"I need to talk to someone. About…ya know…stuff." Cordy sighed.

"Stuff. Stuff's good." Xander said, pulling a chair from her vanity, "So…uh…what stuff?"

"You like my room?" Cordy asked.

"Yeah. It's well…it's big." Xander said, "I mean clearly I could probably park a few cars in here. And I think your closet is bigger than my room. And the adjoining bathroom? Beats walking down the hall."

"It's a big house." Cordy said.

"Yep." Xander agreed.

A moment of dead silence.

"See, that's what people see when they look at me." Cordy replied, "Big house on a hill, lots stuff, nice car, horse stable. All that good shit."

"Okay." Xander nodded.

"So how would people look at me if I didn't have this stuff?" Cordy asked, "I mean honestly. Tell me."

"Well, I dunno. They'd look at a hot chick?" Xander replied.

Cordy laughed.

"What?" Xander asked.

"Not what I meant." Cordy replied, "How would people look at me if I lost all of this? I mean, my friends, how would they look at me? Would they still be my friend if I wasn't rich? And you guys—"

"The Scooby club."

"—right. How would your Scoobies look at me? I mean would it be like "ha bitch!" or would you guys feel sorry for me or….what?" Cordy asked.

"This is going to a deep place isn't it?"

Cordy nodded, "My dad…he…well….he's been cheating on his taxes for the last….twenty years. Well, the IRS is kinda pissed about it. They're gonna take just about everything."

"Ah." Xander said.

"And I've lived like this since…ever. And I think that that's how people see me. And with that all gone things are going to change. And that I'm being punished by God or something." Cordy said.

"Why?"

Cordy diverted her eyes and spoke in a small, quiet voice.

"Because I've been so mean to everybody. Even my friends."

"Oh." Xander grunted.

"I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen." Cordy said, "And I probably deserve it too for how I've acted."

"Well…that's all I've got. Well." Xander shrugged.

More silence.

"Well--I said that already huh?" Xander said.

"Yeah." Cordy smiled, frustrated and amused at once, "Kind of makes me sorry that I've been miss bitch since first grade."

"Kindergarten." Xander added.

Cordy narrowed her eyes.

"I'm just sayin'." Xander replied, "What I mean is…you're not so bad. And so you lose a lot of stuff. So what? It's just stuff."

"What about my friends?" Cordy asked, "What if they—"

"If they treat you differently over something like this then they're not really your friends." Xander said.

"Easy for you to say. You've got friends. Good ones I mean." Cordy said.

"Debatable. Willow's kinda mad at me right now. I made her mad because I promised I wouldn't do something. Big surprise. I did it." Xander said.

"So apologize." Cordy said.

"I've tried." Xander replied, "She ain't having it."

"You apologizing for what you did or just to keep her from being mad at you?" Cordy asked.

"Ah. The second one." Xander admitted.

"So don't do what made her mad." Cordy replied, "Then apologize for what you did and mean it."

"I gotta get her to talk to me. Caller ID ain't helping things." Xander said.

"Call her from my phone. Odds are when she sees my number she'll think I'm calling her." Cordy said.

"Why would that make her pick up?" Xander asked.

"To see what I wanted. She's like...smart and nerdy and stuff…the curiosity will kill her." Cordy said, "And that sounded mean calling her nerdy huh?"

"A bit, but you're right. Work on tact though." Xander said, "Still this doesn't help my situation."

"Which is?"

"It's kinda embarrassing." Xander said.

"I just spilled my heart out here." Cordy said.

"I do owe you huh?"

"Ya think?!"

"I've been paying this cool guy to show me how to be cool." Xander shrugged.

"…That's like an 80's movie." Cordy said.

Xander raised his hand and nodded.

"Like I said, big embarrassing Pretty in Pink moment." Xander said.

"I can make you cool." Cordy replied.

Xander did a double take.

"You'd do that?" he asked.

"Didn't say would, said could." Cordy said, then shook her head, "Yes I'll do my best, but I'm not a miracle worker. Though I doubt I'll be cool for much longer so just ride the wave while you can okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. This is kind of a turn around from an hour ago huh?" Xander said.

"You're not so bad." Cordy said.

"And you're not a mummy."

"Mummy?"

"Er….its kinda hard to explain." Xander said.

"Never explain. For my sake." Cordy said.

"Okay…so…uh….are we like friends now?" Xander asked.

"I…guess so. Kind of a foreign concept huh?" Cordy replied.

"Yeah." Xander admitted, "You're not gonna like ignore me at school tomorrow are you? Or like make fun of me?"

"Don't worry about it." Cordy replied.

"You can't make fun of my friends either." Xander said, "I'm not saying you have to hang out with them or vice versa with me and your friends, but ya know….I'll make the effort to be nice if you do."

"I think that's fair. And I'll try to hold in my biting criticism." Cordy said.

"That's—"

"To the best of my ability."

"---great."

"You can call Willow if you want, Xander." Cordy stated.

"You really don't mind?"

"Naw. Go ahead."

* * *

A few minutes later Xander was done…

"Uh, I'm done." Xander said, coming out of Cordy's bathroom, "You were right. Curiosity killed the Willow…..not literally."

"I'm a woman, I know how we think." Cordy said.

"She uh….it's weird. Well not weird. We're good again but she was a bit off that I was calling her from here." Xander said, "I mean—"

"Foreign territory."

"That's it." Xander laughed, "I dunno. I guess…are we like….done here? I don't know what else to say or anything."

"I kinda want you to kiss me." Cordy said.

"Huh?"

"You're real. Like really real. I like that. Besides, Anya told me stories about the swim team thing."

"---I don't like Speedos."

"Are you going to kiss me?" Cordy asked.

"…Yeah. I am."

* * *

Meanwhile, Willow's world was upside down.

"From Cordelia's house. Cordelia! How'd he manage that? He has to be all over her. I'm a woman, I know how she thinks! Well, not from experience or anything." Willow said, "I…I am not jealous. He's my friend and I love him. I even forgave him for being some kind of gigantic jackass and HE HAS TO SUFFER!...Where did that come from?"

Willow wrapped her head around that one.

"And now, he's not going to notice me because he's probably all over Cordelia. Well, I'll make him notice. Yeah, I'll make him jealous!" Willow smirked, "Yeah! No…wait….that's not very mature. Oh SCREW MATURITY! That evil bitch has my Xander! Well two can play at this game!"

Willow looked at her reflection.

"I'm kinda hot when I'm evil." She smirked giddily, "Oh….that's a plan. Xander likes the bad girls, then I'll show him bad."

She went through her drawer and found the number she'd gotten one night after the fight with Xander, when she was moping at the Bronze in Xander withdrawal. Slowly she dialed the phone.

It rang four times and was picked up.

"Hey Oz? It's Willow. You wanna go out sometime?"


End file.
